Bruce Springsteen eaten by CC Sabathia during meeting

TAMPA BAY, FL — Millions of Americans are reeling right now after they’ve found out that Bruce Springsteen will not be able to perform at halftime of the Super Bowl, after the crooner was attacked and eaten by Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia.

As SSNN had previous reported, uper-Boss fan Sabathia had been flown to Tampa Bay by the SSNN staff after a meeting had been arranged. However, after a handshake and a picture, the meeting turned horribly awry.

“You know how if you have a dog, and he has like a stuffed pig, or a giant yellow plush Tweety Bird that he likes to play with, and he just loves that thing so much?” asked passerby James McGregor. “Well, you know how one day you come home and your dog has just ripped the head off of his giant yellow Tweety and he’s just eaten it? And it’s not because he hates it; on the contrary, it’s because he loves it so much that he wants to ingest it? Well, that’s basically what happened here.”

According to McGregor, the exchange started with some basic pleasantries … a couple of hugs, a photo or two, some nice words between the pitcher and the singer. But then things got a little uncomfortable.

“Sabathia was hugging him so tight, and Bruce was like, ‘Dude, ease up, I have to perform later,’” McGregor related. “But Sabathia just kept holding him tighter, going, ‘I love you, I love you,’ and then he started to go, ‘I just want to eat you, I want to eat you.’ The Boss was really starting to get freaked out, so he started to pull away. Well, that was the worst thing that he could do. Sabathia just launched at him, just freaking bit him on the neck, and then just started gnawing away at him. It was really strange.”

McGregor said it only took two minutes for Sabathia to eat Springsteen, and that during that time he also ate Steven Van Zandt, who was standing nearby. Only moments thereafter, Sabathia realized what he’d done.

“He was yelling, screaming, ‘What did I do? What did I do?’” McGregor said. “And then he just started to cry. Apparently this is pretty normal behavior for him, though, because two minutes later, he’d forgotten about the whole thing.”

The Yankees apologized deeply to all Americans who are going to be denied the pleasure of hearing Springsteen, now or in the future.

“It’s a real shame what happened to Bruce,” said Hank Steinbrenner. “New Jersey is a big part of our fan base, so we totally appreciate how sad this is for all Americans. We just want to say to everyone that, in the future, if CC gets to meet any more American icons, we’ll have him muzzled and we’ll put a prong collar on him as well. You know, just in case he ever gets to meet Donnie Wahlberg, or something like that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!