American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids

NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his tenure with the Texas Rangers has revealed that over 76 percent of American sports fans are still laboring under the delusion that even if steroids existed “back in the day” the players of old wouldn’t have diluted the purity of the game by using them.

“I’m furious,” stated deli owner Paul Dicenzio. “That slimeball A-Rod is disgracing the uniform that decent, hardworking men like Babe Ruth wore. [Ruth] was a man who knew the value of fair play,” commenting on the man whose marriage ended as a result of his repeated infidelities.

“A-Rod has totally spat on the great game of baseball,” commented Bronx resident Susan Bikerson. “If you think great men like Lou Gehrig would have taken something like HGH, you’re out of your mind,” evidently unaware that if human growth hormone had existed in 1939, Gehrig’s usage would have likely extended his career, to say nothing of his life.

“Even if Joe DiMaggio stood to make $252 million, he was far too level-headed to have to cheat to get it. Joe was a guy who always had his priorities straight, he knew what the important things in life were,” stated cab driver Alex Poisoman, commenting on the man whose obsession with money was legendary.

Despite basic human nature remaining essentially unchanged since 10,000 B.C., the vast majority of Americans appear to have fallen prey to nostalgia and historical revisionism that tells them that athletes of past times were somehow of a higher quality of human being.

“A-Rod, Bonds, McGwire, they should be stricken from the record books,” said Mets fan Scott Jhonnson. “Pete Rose, too, for cheating on baseball. Ty Cobb should be the all-time hits leader,” referring to the man universally recognized both during his lifetime and after as a thoroughly unpleasant human being and an unrepentant racist.

“Anybody who uses steroids, ever, should be banned from baseball for life and their numbers blacked-out,” declared business executive Pete Coperhall. “Drugs are another thing, however—it’d be a shame to blacklist the entire 1986 Mets.”

“Baseball was so pure back in those days,” reminisced bank manager Jon Islman. “At the turn of the century people played fair and decent, and not for the money, but because they loved the game,” speaking of the era the produced both the 1919 Black Sox scandal, in which one of the greatest players of the day confessed to helping throw the World Series, as well as the lesser-known 1908 scandal, in which Giants manager John McGraw attempted to bribe an umpire during the NL championship, and then let the team physician take the fall for his actions.

“It’s horrible to see the game of baseball reduced to such a pathetic state,” said Bud Selig, the man solely responsible for letting the All-Star game of 2002 end in a tie, as well as other debacles to numerous to mention, to SSNN. “The game was so wonderful in those long-ago days before assclowns were allowed to run rampant and destroy everything we loved about baseball.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!