Zambrano irate about CTA fare increase

CHICAGO, IL — After arriving in town for this coming weekend’s Cubs Convention, team ace zambrano »”>Carlos Zambrano was greeted with a rude surprise as he attempted to board an Orange Line train from Midway Airport.

“A fifty cent fare increase? Come on, man – times are tough all over and you’re gonna gouge me for almost half-again the price of my train ticket? That’s just bogus,” the volatile starter told SSNN. “If I had known changes like this were coming, I might never have agreed to that $90 million extension to stick around here.”

In a fury towards the Chicago Transit Authority for increasing fares, “without even telling me about it,” Zambrano chose to take Super Shuttle to his West Loop apartment, and shared a ride with several other downtown residents.

Follow SSNN on Twitter!

“Boy, Carlos was fired up about that fifty cent increase,” said Roger Jenkins, who along with his wife Sally shared the shuttle ride with the pitcher. “He was getting so angry that Sally asked me to switch seats with her so she didn’t have to sit next to him. I was afraid he’d notice and get mad, but he was so infuriated with the CTA that I’m not sure he even realized anyone was moving.”

According to the Jenkins couple, Big Z became even further enraged when another passenger – Andrew Stenson – mentioned that one aspect of the fare increase involved Chicago Card/Plus users no longer receiving a discount over cash-paying passengers.

“I was just trying to commiserate, for Christ’s sake,” Stenson told SSNN. “He’s going on and on about the fascists in the government, and how the city is robbing it’s residents, so I was just like, ‘Yeah, man, and there’s no more discounts on the Chicago Card either.’ I mean, hell – the price increase pisses me off too, and to have the opportunity to bitch about it with Carlos fucking Zambrano? But I guess I should have known better.”

Eyewitnesses at the corner of Jackson Blvd. and Canal St., near Chicago’s Union Station, saw Stenson tossed out of the side door of a moving Super Shuttle van, followed shortly by a computer-carrying backpack and a green duffel bag.

“Thank God I was near my apartment. And thank God even more that the traffic was light, because he threw me right into the middle of the damn intersection,” Stenson continued. “I’ll tell you what, though – I’ve been a die-hard Cubs fan all my life, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. Not only did I get to meet Carlos Zambrano, but he went all Carlos Zambrano on me! How cool is that?!?!”

Zambrano told SSNN he meant no harm to Stenson, but that the experience should provide “a lesson to people who try to steal from me.” He also said he intends to fight the fare increase in every possible way.

“It starts with a simple boycott. The CTA won’t be getting a dime from Carlos this season,” Zambrano proclaimed. “I haven’t come up with the next phase of my plan to destroy the CTA, but I assure you I’m working on it. Do you even realize how much money we’re talking about? For someone that rides the train to and from work about 300 days a year, that’s an extra 300 bucks they’re spending.

“You can’t try to go in my pocket like that and not expect anything to happen. Just ask Michael Barrett how I do.”