Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL

LEAVENWORTH, KS — After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – but that doesn’t change his plans to return to the NFL, and he’s doing everything he can to ensure that return still happens.

Still confined to a cell in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, Vick released a statement through his representatives saying that he intends to enroll in veterinary school if he cannot find a place in football.

“Upon my impending release I fully intend to be an upstanding and contributing member of society,” the statement reads, in part. “In pursuance of that goal, I must use the knowledge I already have, which is confined essentially to two arenas: football and dogs. If I find myself unable to acquire gainful employment using my football skills, I am afraid I will be forced to put my other talent to use as a veterinarian.

“Naturally I will have to enroll in school to achieve this, but I expect I can make money in the interim by caring for and training pitbulls, rottweilers and german shepherds either at an animal shelter or through my own small business. Certainly dealing with animals all day would not be my first choice of career, but I assure the NFL and humanitarians everywhere that this is what I will be forced to do if I am unable to work as a football player.”

Not surprisingly, Vick’s early morning announcement has drawn responses from all interested parties, from the NFL to PETA to a number of particularly eloquent canines. The general consensus is that Vick must be kept out of the animal care industry at all costs.

“I don’t like being put in this position, and under normal circumstances I’d say the NFL refuses to negotiate with attempted blackmailers, but obviously this is a dire situation,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I don’t want to make any promises or force any team’s hand, but as an animal lover I think it’s safe to say that a place will be found for Michael here in the NFL, provided he promises not to come in contact with any animals at all.”

Naturally, PETA took a harder tack, saying that the league “would effectively be committing animal genocide by allowing Mr. Vick to enter the Veterinary profession, and would be subjecting itself to virtually constant protests from our organization.”

“Grrrrr…” said Oswaldo F.F. Kolsky, a Shih-Tzu/Schnauser mix who counted himself a fan of Vick before the quarterback ran afoul of the law and his species. “Woof! Ruff, bow-wow rrrr. Gr!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!