Utley to write inauguration speech for Obama; will be full of hope, optimism, profanity

PHILADELPHIA, PA — The office of President-Elect Barack Obama announced today that Chase Utley, injured second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, has written Barack Obama’s inauguration speech.

“We are pleased to announce that Chase has written the speech that President-elect Obama will give today,” said a spokesperson for the office. “The speech is full of hope, optimism, and curse words, and we think it will really resonate with the people of this great land.”

The speech, entitled “Hope and Dreams from the United States fucking President,” is about 800 words long and includes at least 10 f-bombs, which are certain to make the folks on the Capitol Mall scream with elation.

“My style is unique,” Utley said. “I tell it like I see it. When Barack asked me to write the speech, I said, ‘Don’t you have speechwriters?’ He said yeah, but that he wanted me. I said, ‘Barack, there’s going to be f-bombs.’ He said no problem. He said these are tough economic times.”

Utley said he believes a well-timed f-bomb is really the key to a good public comment.

“I did a lot of research in preparing this speech,” Utley said. “All of the great inaugural addresses have had f-bombs. FDR dropped an f-bomb: ‘The only fucking thing we have to fear is fear itself.’ Kennedy’s speech had two–’Ask not what your fucking country can do for you, ask what you can do for your fucking country.’ Personally I thought that was a bit excessive. Have some dignity, bro, you’re the President of the United Fucking States.”

Utley said he’s going to continue moonlighting as a speechwriter until his wrist is better, but that with Obama taking office, opportunities are narrowing.

“There’s not that many people around who need profanity-laced speeches these days,” Utley said. “I am, however, in negotiations with Kurt Warner to write his post-Super Bowl speech. That should be a good one.”

Special thanks to @markkennedysem for the headline idea.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!