Utah victory over Alabama proves once and for all that marrying multiple people is better than marrying only one person who is your cousin

NEW ORLEANS, LA — In what amounts to a huge victory for both the University of Utah and the entire state, the Utah Utes soundly defeated the Alabama Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl and demonstrated once and for all that having many wives is actually better than having one wife who happens to be your first cousin.

Experts on polygamy agree that the 31-17 victory in the Sugar Bowl is proof positive that the aforementioned revelations are true.

“This victory is all that we needed,” said polygamy expert D. Niles Dempster, of the University of Utah’s School for Polygamy Studies. “Many of the players on our team are obviously children of men who have multiple wives. The increased competition in their families obviously compelled them to greatness. That, and the fact that they had multiple mothers cheering for them was an obvious step in the right direction.”

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However, many Alabama-based scholars claimed that there was much more to commend about the performance of the Tide than meets the eye.

“One of the side effects of incestuous marriage is that oftentimes the genetics of the child are re-arranged a bit,” said incestuous marriage expert Henderson Zimmerman Johnson III, of the University of Alabama’s Institute on Intra-Family Sexuality. “For example, one of the players on Alabama has webbed feet. Do you know how hard it is to play in a Bowl game if you have webbed feet? It’s damn near impossible.”

Johnson said other maladies faced by Alabama players include a wide receiver with three arms, and a defensive back with a tail.

“The tail does not affect the player on the football field, per se,” said Johnson III. “However, it does go to the overall theme that these players have had enormous obstacles in their way en route to their success, and the fact that they even made the Sugar Bowl is something to behold.”

Nevertheless, the Utah scholar indicated that the accomplishment by the Utes should not be overlooked.

“These individuals have accomplished something amazing,” said Dempster. “On behalf of all the married men of Utah, with their multiple, unsatisfied, emotionally vacant wives, we commend you!”