Trail Blazers to League: Pick up Miles and we’re telling on you

PORTLAND, OR—The Portland Trail Blazers have issued the direst of warnings to its fellow 29 teams: sign Darius Miles and we are so telling on you.

Miles, who November 2006 had microfracture surgery to repair his right knee and was told last April that his career was over, has played in eight exhibition and regular season games with the Celtics and Grizzlies, who waived him this week. If Miles were to play only two more games this season, his $9 million salary would count against the Blazers payroll for this season and the next, putting Portland over its luxury tax threshold, and would cost the team millions.

“The Portland Trail Blazers are ready and willing to use all options available to safeguard our rights, including, and not limited to, tattling,” a statement released by Blazers president Larry Miller read.

“We all know that you’re all just gonna sign Darius to piss us off, ‘cause you know that we’ll be fined if you do. Well you should know that that would be totally uncool If you do [sign Miles] we’ll tell Da[vid Stern]d and he’s totally gonna punish you and everybody will know you’re just a no-good, major-league jerk-bully,” the statement continued.

The statement concluded with the self-evident observation that, “You know you don’t even like Miles, you just want to annoy us, ‘cause you think it will be cool. Well, it’s not, and you need to knock it off.”

The option of tattling (occasionally known as ‘snitching’) is a rarely-used one in professional sports, often used as a desperate or malicious attempt to destroy one’s opponent. Notable examples of tattling include Eric Mangini tattling on the Patriots for cheating, Terrell Owens tattling on Tony Romo and Jason Witten for not liking him, George Mitchell tattling on two-thirds of Major League Baseball for steroid use, and a strip club manager tattling on Pacman Jones for shooting and paralyzing him.

“This is a gutsy move by the Trail Blazers,” commented “NBA Shootaround” analyst Greg Anthony. “On one hand they could lose a great deal of money by letting a team sign Miles. On the other hand, they have their street cred to think about. In my opinion, swallowing your pride and telling on the team that signs Miles is probably the right call.”

Fellow analyst Tim Legler agreed with Anthony.

“I think the tattle option is totally called for in this situation,” said Legler. “You’re the Portland Trail Blazers, you’ve got to look out for Number One. This is a dirty business, and all options are always on the table here. You don’t want to be tattled on, become a priest or work for the CIA. This is the NBA.”

NBA insider Steven A. Smith sat down with SSNN to discuss the ramifications of tattling in the sporting world:

“If you snitch on somebody, even if it was legit, nobody’s gonna wanna deal with you. Even though everybody hated the Patriots, they hated the Jets even more for snitching. George Mitchell snitched, and now nobody likes him anymore. Since they’re the Portland Trail Blazers, no one likes them anyway, and they probably couldn’t fall farther then they have at this point. But still…if we find the Portland Trail Blazers in a dark alley with a bullet in its head, well, we’ll know why.”

Despite the obvious ramifications that will occur should the Trail Blazers pursue the unorthodox ‘snitch’ card, the team is moving full steam ahead with their threat.

“It’s not like we want to,” said Miller. “We think snitching is a total dick move, but they totally started it, so, you know.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!