Suddenly feeling very poor, Jeter mails in gold gloves to be melted down for extra cash

NEW YORK CITY, NY — After watching his team commit a total of more than $420 million to free agents in the offseason, New York Yankees stalwart captain and shortstop Derek Jeter felt he needed to take drastic measures to keep the respect of his peers.

“It was actually the day after the news of Tex’s contract broke,” a noticeably upbeat Jeter told SSNN. “I was really bummin’ thinking about how much more all these guys are making than me – you know I make less than $20 mill. a year, right?

“Anyway, I couldn’t really sleep so I turned on the TV, and lucky for me Roadhouse was on TNT! And just as it’s really getting good, there’s this commercial for Cash4Gold.com, and this old lady is saying she made more money than she even thought possible for her useless old gold jewelry.”

According to the perennial All-Star, his three Gold Gloves sit – or used to – on a mantle just above the television in his “Man Room,” so he immediately thought they might be worth sending in.

“When I called they didn’t really believe it was me, but I finally got in touch with a manager over there, and he said he’d be happy to take my Gold Gloves for cash, and actually he was nice enough to give me his home address so I could just send them directly to him to expedite the process,” Jeter went on. “He said he’s not sure exactly how much the gold could be worth – I guess it depends on what it’s like when they melt it down or something. But he thought it could be as much as $5,000.

“Can you believe that? Just for a few old Gold Gloves! That old lady in the commercial isn’t kidding. It’s like free money for me, man – I love it.”

For a nominal bribe, SSNN was able to locate the manager Jeter dealt with at Cash4Gold.com – a senior employee who spoke on the record only under the condition of anonymity.

“You’re damn right I had him send the gold gloves to me directly,” he said. “Do I look like a fucking moron to you? There’s no way I’m melting those down! Don’t you realize they’re literally worth far more than their weight in gold?

I’ll weigh them and send Mr. Jeter the appropriate dollar amount, but I’m gonna keep those Gold Gloves under lock and key. Seriously, those little golden bastards are going right into my trophy case.”

But even upon hearing the plans of said disingenuous Cash4Gold.com employee, the swindled shortstop was pleased as punch with what he accomplished.

“He can melt them down, he can keep them in his basement, he can serve dip out of them at parties – I couldn’t care less,” Jeter proclaimed. “The bottom line is that I turned some useless old gold trinkets that I basically never use into cash faster than you can say ‘Top Dog Yankee.’

“Hey, who’s got two thumbs and a bunch of extra cash? This guy!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!