Steelers still not sure who they’ll face in Super Bowl XLIII

PITTSBURGH, PA — Though the glow from their AFC Championship victory over the Baltimore Ravens has yet to fully fade, the Pittsburgh Steelers are ready to move on and begin preparing for their Super Bowl showdown.

But there is one small problem – they can’t get anyone to tell them who their opponent will be.

“I’ve been asking a lot of friends and stuff, and everyone keeps saying, ‘Didn’t you hear? You guys are playing the Cardinals!’” said Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger. “It’s gotta be some kind of big inside joke, and somehow our whole franchise is on the outside. It’s like, yeah, okay that was pretty funny, but seriously who are we playing?”

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin is perhaps the most put off by the public’s little joke on his team. He had planned to spend most of Monday developing a preliminary game plan for Tuesday’s practice, but is hamstrung by not knowing who he will face.

“It’s fucking annoying is what it is,” a disgruntled Tomlin told SSNN on Monday afternoon. “I pride myself on my ability to keep my team focused going into a game, especially a playoff game. So naturally I’ve ensured that none of them followed any playoff matchup besides our own, which is a big part of what got us this far.

“But now I can’t get a goddamn soul to just be straight with me and be honest about who we’re gonna play. I’ve got a sense of humor just like anyone else, but this is no time for conspiratorial jokes against us - we’ve got a really big game to prepare for.”

Every Steeler who was reached for comment had a similar experience in trying to pin down their opponent in the season’s final showdown.

“All my friends must have gotten together and said, ‘which team can we say they’re playing that would be just too ridiculous to believe,’ because they are all telling me we get to play the Cardinals,” said Steelers running back Willie Parker. “I laughed the first time. Actually I laughed the first three or four times. But after a point I have to wonder if they realize how important this game is; I mean, we really need to know who we’re playing.”

Whatever the motivation behind the mass deception of the Steelers, Tomlin thought he could get to the bottom of things by reaching out to members of the Cardinals. After striking out there, though, the young head coach is not sure what to do next.

“I was thinking Kurt would be honest with me - I mean, we have a relationship and he’s a competitive dude, so I didn’t think he’d really be into the whole pretending to be in the Super Bowl thing,” Tomlin said. “But I get him on the phone and tell him how everybody is telling me we’ll be playing them in two weeks, and he just goes, ‘Yeah, I know! Can you believe it?’

“It’s like, ‘No, Kurt, I can’t.’ And frankly, I think it’s a little sad that he’s trying to relive his glory days by pretending to be in the Super Bowl. Come on, man - respect yourself.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!