Devastated Phillip Rivers likely out for game against Steelers after Perry-McCoy breakup

SAN DIEGO, CA — The news hit Phillip Rivers like a gunshot wound to the abdomen; it rocked his gentle spirit and broke his delicate heart.

It was 3 pm Tuesday when Rivers first heard that pop-rocker Katy Perry had split from her beau Travis McCoy, Gym Class Heroes frontman and native son of Geneva, N.Y.

“I puked, dude,” Rivers told SSNN. “I seriously puked. This news absolutely wrecked my world. It absolutely broke my heart, I freakin’ booted all over Ladanian Tomlinson’s shoes. (Don’t tell him, cool?)”

Rivers said he’s not sure if he’s going to be able to play this weekend.

“One minute I think I can go, the next minute not so much,” Rivers said. “I’m hot and I’m cold; I’m yes and I’m no.”

Rivers said the first time he heard that KP and Travie — as he affectionately knows them — were together, he wept tears of joy.

“I remember exactly how it felt,” Rivers said. “It felt so wrong, but it also felt so right. It felt sweet, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. I guess the best way would be to describe the feeling you get when you kiss a girl, and you sort of get some of her lip balm on your lips. And she’s got strawberry lip balm on, and you get it on your lips, and it tastes so sweet. Wait, no, cherry Chapstick is even better, right?”

Perry was unavailable for comment, but her publicist did report that she’s never met Phillip Rivers.

McCoy also never has met Rivers. “Yeah, I never met the dude, but I do want to thank him for the support,” McCoy said. “The outpouring of support from dudes like Phillip Rivers is unbelievable. But the outpouring that’s come from Geneva-N-Y-Holla-Holla!!! is even better. It’s just a great town, and the leadership really has it moving in the right direction, and I want to say thanks.”

Rivers was unassuaged by McCoy’s thankfulness.

“I’m probably out this weekend,” Rivers said. “I’m probably out. But I just want you to know that regardless of whether or not I play I got one thing for the Steelers. I put up my peace sign, I put the index down. (Get it? It’s like I’m flipping them off.)”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!