Pennington to be benched for 2009 season, hopes to be first three-time Comeback Player

MIAMI, FL — On the heels of their playoff disappointment, the Miami Dolphins have reached an agreement with quarterback Chad Pennington, the 2008 Comeback Player of the Year, to bench him for the entire 2009 NFL season.

“This is an historic deal, and a move towards history; not only for me, but for the Miami Dolphins as well,” said Pennington, who hopes a season-long benching is enough to make him a candidate for a third comeback player award. “Right now I’m the only two-time Comeback Player of the Year, but that’s reachable, you know? Three times – that would be like DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak, or Gretzky’s points record, or freakin’ Cy Young’s 511 wins — an unbreakable record, that’s what we’re after here.”

Pennington’s benching will leave the Dolphins with only two quarterbacks – the young and unproven John Beck, who struggled mightily in five games during Miami’s 1-15 2007 season and didn’t play at all in 2008; and the even younger and equally unproven Chad Henne, a rookie who threw all of twelve passes this season.

“Obviously this leaves us a little short at the quarterback position,” said Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano. “But that seems like a small price to pay if we can actually achieve our goal. Not only will we have the opportunity for Chad to win the 2010 Comeback Player of the Year, but this team could conceivably fall back to its 1-15 level next season and again have a shocking turnaround to become a playoff team. Hell, if we go with Beck instead of Henne I think that 0-16 is a distinct possibility.”

Bill Parcells, the Dolphins’ executive vice president of football operations, was particularly excited about the Pennington situation. With a resumé that includes winning two Super Bowls and orchestrating the positive turnaround of five separate franchises, the Big Tuna apparently feels that a double turnaround is the only thing left for him to do.

“I’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this,” Parcells admitted to SSNN. “When I retired from football for the third time – you know, after the whole Dallas thing fell apart – I felt like my legacy was assured. But then I saw this opportunity with the Dolphins: an opportunity to take one of the worst teams ever and make them a contender.

“Now I see another opportunity: take this team that we turned from crap into gold, turn it back into crap, and then turn it back into gold again. A double resurrection – that’s the stuff of legends. That’s how I’ll cement my legacy.”

Whatever their varying motivations, every major player seems to be standing firmly behind the decision to have Pennington miss all of 2009.

“I’m just so glad to be in a place where everyone is on the same page, and everyone appreciates each other’s abilities,” Pennington told SSNN. “If we went into next season just trying to get better again, I think we all know what would happen – defenses would adjust to my wet noodle of an arm, all that wildcat formation nonsense would wear thin, and we’d inevitably disappoint.

“This way, everyone gets to do what they’re good at; and for me, that’s being the Comeback Player of the Year.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!