Obama signs executive order shutting down Detroit Lions

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling its existence “an affront to everything our nation stands for” and declaring its legacy “a stain upon our history that we will never be able to fully erase,” President Obama fulfilled one of his longstanding campaign promises in the first hours of his presidency by ordering that the Detroit Lions are to be dismantled and outlawed.

Executive Order 13422, already being referred to in the media as the “Fuck the Detroit Lions” order, took immediate effect, making the horrors of the Detroit Lions officially a thing of the past. Federal marshals stormed Ford Field and all other Lions facilities, informing players and staff that they were finally free to go. Demolition crews arrived shortly thereafter and began to make preparations to destroy the stadium all other property owned by the organization, with plans to scorch the earth it stood on and sow it with salt afterwards.

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The existence of the Detroit Lions has been a grandstanding issue in American politics since the franchise’s purchase by current owner Harry Ford in 1964. Every president, from LBJ to George Bush acknowledged the severity of the damage the Lions were causing to football, but every president in turn refused to end the team, claiming they did not have the constitutional power to interfere with the NFL. This past campaign season, the issue was raised numerous times whether the threat of the Detroit Lions was serious enough to entail extra-Constitutional action. When the Lions finished at 0-16 this past December, then-president-elect Obama made a speech that very night promising the American people that the Lions would be eradicated within moments of his taking the oath of office.

The move has brought swift reaction from all sides of the sporting world’s spectrum, with many praising the move as both necessary and long overdue. Sporting traditionalists blasted the move, saying that in addition to forever erasing a meaningless Thanksgiving tradition, Obama’s unilateral move weakened the football world and could embolden other NFL teams to step up their efforts in sucking.

“President Obama thinks he is doing the right thing by shutting down the Lions,” commented ESPN analyst John Clayton. “It’s certainly the popular thing to do, but the fact remains that now all of the evil and suckitude of the Detroit Lions has now been released. Obama hasn’t ended the legacy of losing in Detroit today; he has legitimized it.”

Monday Night Football analyst Tony Kornheiser disagreed, saying, “I understand better than anybody out there that there are dangerous people in American sports with a fanatical commitment to losing. Obama understands this too. But he also understands that what was going on down in Detroit was irredeemable and unforgivable. He made the right call today and history will prove him right on that.”

An official statement released by the White House made no comment on whether specific people involved with the Lions would be put on trial for crimes against sport, only saying that the time for healing and progress had come and that the steps to forget an ugly history were underway.

“Ford, Millen, Marinelli…if Obama wants to truly erase the taint that was the Detroit Lions, he needs to hold these individuals to account,” said Kornheiser. “These men did terrible, terrible things down there, answered to nobody, and ran amok for decades. Their crimes need to be exposed to the world.”

Obama’s actions are eerily reminiscent of the first days of George W. Bush’s second term, in which he designated the entire roster of New York Mets as enemy combatants and had them sent to a secret CIA prison in the Ukraine.