Nets expected to sign sack of rocks for $2.3 million to facilitate Hughes-Simmons trade

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — As the NBA trade deadline approaches, rumors of a trade involving Bobby Simmons of the New Jersey Nets and Larry Hughes of the Chicago Bulls are heating up, but salary issues threaten to torpedo the deal.

“We want Larry, and we definitely want to unload Bobby, but we just haven’t been able to make the numbers work,” said Nets GM Rod Thorn. “We’re not really that interested in throwing in one of our young talents just to get Larry – for God’s sake, he’s a never-was with a bad attitude. We think he’s got some potential to succeed here, but we’re not gonna give up anyone we think has a future with us.”

Without getting too deep into the NBA’s elaborate trade rules, the teams’ troubles stem from the league’s requirement that salaries traded for each other must essentially be equal. Hughes makes several million dollars more than Simmons, which has complicated the trade plans.

“We’ve agreed to the general guidelines of a trade involving Bobby Simmons and Larry Hughes,” said Bulls GM John Paxson. “But the Nets are being a little difficult. All we need here is a throw-in – could be Maurice Ager, could be one of their other young guys, but we need someone to make the numbers work. Rod [Thorn] won’t do it though. So we’re at an impasse.”

But according to Thorn, there is one potential solution.

“We’ve got this sack of rocks here that we think can really contribute. As I understand the rules, provided he actually spends a game or two on the bench, we can include him in the trade,” the Nets GM told SSNN. “We haven’t come to a specific agreement yet, but we’re looking at something in the neighborhood of $2.3 million, which as it turns out is just about right to make this Hughes-Simmons deal work. It’s nice how things work out, isn’t it?”

Though Paxson says he has no interest in physically placing a sack of rocks on the Bulls’ bench, he is more than willing to accept it in the trade if that is what it takes to make the numbers work.

“Are you kidding me? Of course we’ll take a sack of rocks,” Paxson said. “If it means getting rid of Larry Hughes, we’ll gladly take a $2.3 million sack of rocks. I think we’ll probably cut it after the deal goes through, but that’s fine with me.

“Hell, if we had to we’d forget about Simmons and take a $12.3 million sack of rocks straight up for Larry. Don’t tell Rod I said that, though.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!