Kurt Warner makes donations in his teammates name as a thank you for getting him to the Pro Bowl

PHOENIX, AZ — On the eve of the franchise’s biggest game in the last sixty years, the Arizona Cardinals clubhouse is in turmoil today after Kurt Warner gave presents to his offense linemen and other teammates as a “thank you” for helping him make the Pro Bowl.

“I get to the locker room today and I see a nice jewelry style box at my locker,” said right tackle Levi Brown, who has been protecting Warner from sacks for 18 weeks. “I’m licking my chops, I’m thinking, ‘Sweet, baby, it’s a watch, it’s a bracelet, it’s some bling, dawg!’ I was so excited, right up until I opened it.”

According to reports, Warner, instead of buying gifts for his teammates, made a $500 donation in each of their names to an orphanage in the Phillipines. Each donation was accompanied by a nice little note that Warner had typed up and placed in a classy box.

“At first I thought it was a joke, like ‘The Human Fund’ on Seinfeld,” said WR Larry Fitzgerald. But then Anquan [Boldin] showed me that he got the same note, and I started to realize that this was probably not a joke. And I got really scared, and mad.”

The note, obtained by SSNN, read: “In these troubling economic times, I took the liberty of making a donation in your name on behalf of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, in the hopes of providing others the same sort of opportunity for success that you have provided me. Thank you for making my Pro Bowl dreams come true, and for your unabashed generosity.”

“I thought about buying them all some sort of watch or flat-screen TVs or something like that,” Warner said. “But I was like, ‘These guys don’t want more stuff.’ I knew that they wanted to just do some good. And that was reflected in their faces when they received their gifts. A lot of them were really in the moment, totally overcome with the spirit of our lord. They were yelling things out and practically talking in tongues. There was a lot of ‘Oh my God!’ and ‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ being shouted around the locker room. Yeah, what can I say. These dudes really get it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!