Kent retires, much to nobody’s dismay

LOS ANGELES, CA — A major hot stove story broke from the Los Angeles Dodgers today, where five-time All-Star and probable Hall-of-Famer Jeff Kent announced his retirement from Major League Baseball. Strangely, however, nobody appears to be upset over the second baseman’s departure.

“Good riddance, that guy is an unbelievable cock,” said normally mild-mannered and non-committal Dodgers manager Joe Torre. “I always thought I could get along with anyone, but you know what? Not Jeff Kent. I hope he enjoys living out his days riding motorcycles and wearing wife-beaters.”

Though Kent is the all-time home run leader for second basemen and has been a consistent offensive producer throughout his long career, he appears to have very few friends in the game.

“You know who’s a douchebag? Barry Bonds,” said one former MLB player who was a teammate of both Kent and Bonds in San Francisco. “But Kent is such a dick that when he and Bonds got into it, everybody was on Barry’s side. I mean, how can you have love for a guy who breaks his wrist popping wheelies on his motorcycle and then says he was washing his truck? Jeff Kent blows.”

Kent himself expressed surprise when told of the general dislike for him that appears to permeate MLB. He apparently had no idea that so many of his colleagues think so little of him.

“I guess it’s just hard to get a read on guys when you don’t really spend any time with them,” the 2000 NL MVP said. “When I’m not swinging a bat I’m usually out at a monster truck rally, or maybe hunting or riding my motorcycle or something.”

Kent says he will now head to his trailer-shaped mansion and spend a few months with his family before deciding exactly what the next phase of his life will entail.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!