God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers

PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 victory over the Eagles Sunday night. Instead he returned to his hotel room to pray and reflect upon his career and how he can continue to serve God by playing football.

Although God “rarely” directly answers Kurt’s prayers, the two-time MVP revealed to SSNN early today that “somewhere between my third Hail Mary” the Creator of the Heavens took time out of His busy schedule running the multiverses to reveal to Kurt His intentions for the rest of the playoffs.

“God appeared before me,” recalled Warner. “And He spoke to me, ‘Kurt, though you have been a faithful and devoted servant all these years, and certainly nothing less than My divine influence could have ever gotten the Arizona fucking Cardinals’—(yes, the Lord did blaspheme Himself. It is His divine prerogative, I suppose)—‘Even into the playoffs, let alone to the Super Bowl, I must confess that I shall be rooting for the Steelers come February 1st.’”

“He went on to say that He wished me the best of luck, and assured me that He wouldn’t attempt to influence the outcome of the game in any manner,” Warner finished.

The revelation (pun clearly intended - rim shot!) came as a shock to SSNN, which had long assumed that Warner and the Almighty were on the best of terms and that Warner was God’s favorite NFL player.

“I accept the Lord’s judgment,” a stoic Warner told SSNN. “Though in my heart I feel that Ben Roethlisberger is not as righteous as I, yea, I submit to His wisdom.

“‘The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’ Job 1: 21,” Warner somberly concluded.

The news is sure to come as a blow to Cardinals fans, many of whom believed that Kurt Warner’s pious lifestyle had earned the team Divine Favor.

“Yeah, this doesn’t look good,” commented Phoenix resident Danny Menheim. “I figured the only reason we made it this far was because God loved Kurt so much. But now we have to beat the Steelers on our own? We’re screwed.”

“I had totally given up praying and going to church for the team,” said local man Eric Rhiner. “I figured Kurt did enough of that for both of us. Now I have to start doing all that crap again. Nice going, Warner.”

“I shall not attempt to interfere with the divine plan,” continued Warner. “I will not displease the Lord my God. ‘If thy right eye causes thee to sin, pluck it out. If your right arm causes you to beat God’s favored team, break it.’ Matthew 5:27.”

Warner went on to reveal that he would not practice, prepare for, or appear in Super Bowl XLIII.

“‘It is written, “You shall not tempt the Lord your God”’ Deuteronomy 6:16,” said the four-time Pro Bowler. “His Divine Providence shall not be offended.”

A curious SSNN contacted the Deity for an explanation for abandoning the only NFL player who actually cares what He does.

“It’s nothing personal, it’s just that it hasn’t really been Arizona’s year, if you know what I mean. *Cough* McCain *Cough*,” God said. “Oh, and I have a little cash riding on this one, but you didn’t hear that from Me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!