God to smite prayers at Super Bowl

HEAVEN — God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more.

The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for their constant praising of Him in the run up to the Super Bowl.

“Look, I don’t need praise from an ex-grocery store bagger and the only guy on the planet with worse hair than Don King,” He said. “I created the universe, for Christ’s sake. Do you really think I need a ‘way to go, God’ from one guy who gets paid to throw a dead pighide and another who makes his living by intentionally running into people? I mean, really. Are you cereal? I’m God.

“They should both just shut their big yappers and play the game,” God continued. “That’s how they can do My bidding.”

God expounded on several other pet peeves in a rambling rant held in the Tiki Bar of the Sarasota Hampton Inn, including players genuflecting in the end zone and pre-game prayer circles.

“If you score, do a little Super Bowl Shuffle or even a Dirty Bird dance, or just hand the ball to the ref like you’ve been there before, I really don’t care,” God complained. “Just none of that prayer stuff, cuz I don’t want to hear it. I see anyone doing that in the Super Bowl and at the very least, I’m damning them and causing their team to lose. Bolt of lightning coming down from the Heavens, bro.

“Football is played on Sunday’s, right?” God said, to no one in particular, while taking a sip of his giblet. “What else is going on Sundays? Hmmmmm, I don’t know? Like maybe…a gazillion different church services?? With about a bazillion people all over the world offering up prayers to Me ALL AT THE SAME TIME?? Have you ever tried to handle that kind of call volume in that kind of time frame? I’m practically going to have to start outsourcing to Nirvana to deal with the volume, and that’s before Kurt Warner’s 50 per week.”

God said the fact that the NFL players are piling into his prayer list makes it harder to deal with real issues.

“I’ve got people with serious prayers,” God said. “Paralyzed people wanting to get healed, AIDS patients wishing for a cure and little African kids wanting some food,” says Our Savior, “along with the Make A Wish kids wanting to go to Disneyland. Don’t I already have enough to do on Sundays?

“When kickoff comes,” says the Lord, “I want to chill, crack open a few beers and just enjoy the friggin’ game. I’m done for the week, you know what I’m saying? On the seventh day, he rested. He did not make sure that Troy Polamalu performed a perfect cover-2.”

God claims to be indecisive as to which team He will bestow His favor to win on Super Bowl Sunday. “I know everyone thinks that Kurt Warner has some special favor with me, but believe me, I think he’s just as much of an donkeypuncher as everyone else does. Frankly, I wish he’d, you know, stop calling me. At least restrict it to between the tens. The dude basically hits me up in the middle of the night every day, and he’s on West Coast time, so it’s super late for me.

“On the other hand, Polamulu prays before EVERY FREAKIN’ PLAY”, God complains. “And the dummy crosses himself backwards. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? It’s like being drunk-dialed at 2 am from an ex as far as I’m concerned.”

As far as his plans for a Super Bowl party, God feigns indifference. “I don’t have anything special going on—I’m really only watching the game for the ads. I may buy a couple of squares in St. Peter’s squares pool. Makes the game more fun, no?”

God said he’s also pretty excited about the Springsteen halftime concert.

“The BOSS, dude. Springsteen! He ROCKS, man,” God said. “Bruce could be bigger than Jesus, if he’d let Me manage him.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!