Furious Manning blames MVP award for playoff loss

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Peyton Manning joined a very exclusive and elite club on Friday, becoming only the second man ever to win three NFL MVP awards in the modern era, equaling the mark set by future hall-of-famer Brett Favre. One would think that would be enough to dramatically lift Manning’s spirits as his place in NFL history was further cemented. Manning, however, had nothing but venom for the award and the Associated Press that elected him, following his team’s heartbreaking, 23-17 loss at the hands of the San Diego Chargers.

“This is bullshit,” a steaming Manning vented at reporters at a press gathering. “This award has brought me nothing but trouble and now you people have screwed me out of another playoff run. I hope you’re happy.”

Manning pointed out an inescapable truth to the media: Both previous times he had captured the award in 2003 and 2004, respectively, he had fallen spectacularly in the playoffs, both times to the Patriots. In 2006, when Manning was not named MVP, he was able to storm past the Patriots and win his first Super Bowl. This year, he was again eliminated in the first round.

“That shit was not a coincidence,” a wild-eyed Manning declared emphatically. “I made the connection because I ‘cause I didn’t get the award again [in 2006]. Every time I don’t win it, I’m just like, ‘Well, I guess I suck. Better just give up in the playoffs so I can end my season early and start working out again.’ But then we beat that [gentleman] Brady and his [free-spirited] team. Then I was like, ‘Weird.’ Then it hit me: the MVP award is a curse.”

Manning further went on to point out that only two regular-season MVPs (Terrell Davis in 1998 and Kurt Warner in 1999) in the last 10 seasons have won the Super Bowl that same season.

“This award is a curse, yo,” declared Manning. “Thank God Eli will never win it. Brady, LT, [Shaun] Alexander, they all lost the Super Bowl! This is just like the Heisman and John Madden stuff! It taints all those it touches! Well, not everyone, but it certainly fucks me over!

“And don’t you dare compare me to Brett Favre!” roared the Colts signal-caller when members of the press began to remind him of the implications of the award. “Look at him! He only won one Super Bowl! And now everyone hates him! Do you want me to finish with one Super Bowl?! I have to win at least two more! I can’t finish second to Brady!”

Manning, who topped 4,000 yards for the ninth time, and threw for 17 TDs and against only 3 INTs in the Colts’ final nine games, began to state that he feels he didn’t even deserve the award in the first place

“I totally didn’t deserve this award!” an exasperated Manning claimed. “We started 3-4! We didn’t even win our division! Aaron fucking Rogers had more touchdowns than I did! This award is so media-driven! Someone else deserved this more than I did! I don’t know who, but someone had a more productive year than I did!

Manning said he was still somewhat surprised that they didn’t win the game.

“I mean, I thought we’d still probably still win, ‘cause I’m amazing and stuff, but seriously, I don’t care anymore,” revealed the nine-time Pro Bowler.

“I hope you’re happy that the good people of Indianapolis have their hopes crushed again,” said an emotional Manning. “You’ve already ended another Colts playoff run. So now that you come to me after the game and ask why I played like crap, here’s my answer: because of you.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!