Furious Archie Manning sends loser sons to bed without dinner

OXFORD, MS—Recalling that his boys had promised “never to come home again without a Super Bowl championship” and saying that he had “never heard of such appalling underachievement”, an infuriated Archie Manning sent all three of his sons, Peyton, Eli, and even Cooper to bed without any supper last night, with instructions to “think long and hard about what you boys intend to do with your lives.”

“I thought we all promised to leave 2005 behind us, didn’t we?!” the elder Manning was heard bellowing. “I thought we all sat down and agreed that from now on, at least one of you comes home with a Super Bowl trophy, and preferably an MVP award as well. Did we already forget that promise?”

“No, sir,” mumbled Peyton.

“Sorry, sir,” mumbled Eli.

“Dad, I don’t play football professionally,” said Cooper.

“Don’t give me that!” snapped his father. “You’re a Manning, remember? You should be able to suit up and catch touchdown passes whether you have spinal stenosis or not. We agreed that if neither Peyton or Eli made it to the Big Game, you would sign as a free agent with one of the two remaining teams. Well, it’s Monday, less than two weeks to go, and look who hasn’t even made an attempt to sign with the Steelers or the Cardinals!? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“But dad, I have a job at an energy firm, remember? I have three kids ….”

“Oh, please, don’t give me that,” roared the two-time Pro Bowler. “You know what the bonus is for winning a Super Bowl? Hundreds of thousands! I’m sure your wife and kids will do just fine if you decide to get off your ass and play up to your potential.

“I’ve had enough of you right now!” Archie finished. “We’ll continue this in the morning. Now get up to your rooms!”

SSNN, which maintains a permanent correspondent on the scene of the Manning household at all times, managed to secure an interview with the head of the Manning clan immediately following the exile of his children to their respective rooms.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” an embarrassed Archie said. “It’s just tough when you have so much potential with these three and they just don’t feel like using it.

“When Eli—and let’s be honest here, it was more his defensive line than him—beat the Patriots, I thought all of our troubles were behind us. Not so much, it seems.”

“Honey, maybe you should relax a little,” came the voice of Olivia Manning, Archie’s wife. “They work very hard, and it’s not like they can win the Super Bowl every year.”

“I know they can’t,” sighed Archie. “But it’d be nice to, oh I don’t know, get out of the first round every year or something.”

However, his wife continued: “Besides which, I seem to remember a certain someone who didn’t manage to bring home a single Lombardi Trophy, or, for that matter, an MVP award.”

“I know, and I wanted to make sure that my boys didn’t have to live with that sort of indignity,” said a rather somber Archie.

The on-scene SSNN correspondent reported that, while all three boys were sent to bed early, Peyton’s wife Ashley was allowed to stay up late with Archie and Olivia. The troika played Trivial Pursuit 90’s Edition and watched old reruns of Amen.

“We had a great night with Ash,” Archie said. “Now there’s a winner for you. She smoked us in TP. I have no idea how she knows so much about 90’s music!”

SSNN then asked if the former Saints QB had any further plans of discipline for his boys.

“There’s only so much punishment can do, I’ve learned,” a weary Archie sighed. “At this point, it’s really all up to them.”

Special thanks to @keithmarder for the headline idea.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!