France declares war on Detroit Lions, ends 120-year losing streak

DETROIT, MI—Lions officials are reeling today after a surprise attack by France, in which French forces besieged and captured all Lions property within the city of Detroit.

French paratroopers landed at team headquarters at around 2:30 a.m. local time. After initial resistance, French heavy armor was deployed to the compound and quickly subdued remaining Detroit Lions forces. By 5:30 am, the Detroit Lions surrendered unconditionally to the invading French forces. World officials were quick to condemn the attack, but a United Nations declaration did concede that the Lions “sucked quite a good deal, and at this point basically have all of this coming to them.”

A very shaken Dante Culpepper spoke to SSNN after the carnage: “It was awful…they swarmed us from all sides…the pocket was nonexistent, I couldn’t find anyone downfield…I will never forget this, not if I live to be 100.”

Initial calls for help from the Lions went unanswered, as the city of Detroit had recently declared Ford Field to be a no-man’s-land, and was reportedly considering leasing the team to the CFL, where they would have continued to suck in all likelihood.

Red Cross officials have confirmed to SSNN that 59 members of the Lions’ players, coaches, and staff we’re killed while the French suffered only 3 casualties, one of whom was crushed when soldiers toppled the goal posts.

France—known in the academic world as the “Detroit Lions of War”—had been on a century-plus skid since their victory in the Battle of Fuzhou in 1884, when the French Navy destroyed a Chinese fleet made almost entirely of wood.

“We obviously wanted to shut the door on all the heartache we’ve been through over the past century,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy told SSNN. “We saw our opportunity and pounced on it. We’ve finally moved past losing Napoleon, and we’re ready to begin a new chapter of our lives in the 21st Century.

NFL commissioner is reportedly mulling over whether or not the Detroit Lions should be entitled to a compensatory draft, but is unable to take any action at the moment, as all Detroit Lions property and equipment are now in the possession of the French government.

Lions Owner William Ford was optimistic, saying the defeat would serve to be “an excellent learning opportunity” and that the team was “moving full steam ahead”, despite its active roster now composing of only 8 players.

Former GM and unrepentant Luciferian Matt Millen appeared delighted with the news, saying his only regret was that “he didn’t get to taste the tears of pain and anguish” of his now-deceased former co-workers and employees.

In 1924, a panel revoked France’s claim to a joint victory with the United States and Great Britain in World War I when it was discovered that France had actually ceased fighting in 1915.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!