Favre resumes taking painkillers

NEW YORK, NY—In what has become a rather predictable off-season routine for the football world, Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced today that he will, after spending several weeks with his family discussing his options, jump back in the ring in 2009 and return to taking painkillers.

“I still have that itch,” a grinning Favre told the media. “I can still pop a bottle just as good as when I was a kid. I feel refreshed, invigorated. At this point, I feel like I could continue huffing and popping ‘till I’m in the retirement home.”

By all accounts, the four-time NFL MVP has not touched painkillers since his memorable and moving press conference after the 1995 season, in which he tearfully admitted that he just didn’t feel the spark” that had motivated him to abuse prescription medication.

“It hurts, to have to give this up,” the emotional Favre said. “But everybody has a time when they have to admit that they no longer have what it takes to succeed in the world of prescription drug abuse.”

Today, however, Favre pointed out that, like pretty much everything in his life, there was no way he was ever going to permanently give up drug abuse.

“You guys know me,” a playful Favre laughed. “I’m always stopping and starting things over and over. You had to know I was gonna make a comeback someday.”

“I’m bringing the whole gang back!” a beaming Favre continued. “Diazepam, Albuteral, Valium, OxyContin, Vicodin, Demerol, Nembutal, and even Xanax! It’s gonna be wild, bro!”

A reporter then asked Favre why he felt the need to relapse into an addiction he kicked over a decade ago.

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“The 13-year break in pill-popping was a good opportunity to step back and re-evaluate my goals, have some time with the family, you know,” a more serious Favre explained. “But after a long talk with the wife and kids, we all came to the mutual understanding that I was being kind of an asshole as of late and being doped up and passed out on the couch seemed to be the best option at that time.”

The news of Favre’s un-retirement was well-received by the pill-abuse world, many of whom regard Favre as one of the greatest abusers of all-time, second only to Elvis Presley.

“This is fantastic news,” said a man who asked to be identified only by the moniker of Rex. “I did some work with Favre back in the 90’s…he had real talent, man. And such a keen eye for genuine product. I tried to push some powdered Ritalin off like it was Prozac one time. Brett took one sniff and called BS on my sale. The man had a gift.”

“The game’s changed quite a bit since the 90’s,” pointed out armchair drug addict Terrence Shafter. “New laws, more junk squad plants, the slang’s done a complete 180…still, if anybody can put these young punks out there to shame, it’s Brett.”

When asked about his future football plans, Favre said he would need some time to think and would have to weigh the options of balancing his renewed pill troubles with his football career, but then proceeded to throw up the “OK” sign, wink prominently, and mouth, “OH YEAH.”