Dungy calls Phil Jackson, asks for advice on tell-all book trashing star player

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Reports have begun surfacing today that Colts head coach Tony Dungy will be stepping down and retiring from football after a tenure with Indianapolis that included seven playoff appearances in seven seasons and a Super Bowl championship in 2006.

Dungy’s plans for life after football will likely include spending time with his family and writing the obligatory tell-all book. According to reliable sources, Dungy has been in contact with Lakers head coach Phil Jackson, seeking advice on how best to trash his former players and simultaneously end his personal status as a decent human being.

In Jackson’s tell-all book, The Last Season: A Team in Search of Its Soul, the hall-of-fame coach infamously trashe d Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, calling him “uncoachable” and claiming Bryant used to sabotage games. He also spent a large portion of the book talking about the infamous Shaq-Kobe feud, which the sports media to this day will not shut up about. Although one would think

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that such a violation of locker-room code would make Jackson and the Lakers forever irreconcilable, Jackson returned as Lakers coach a year later, a move which Dungy has apparently interpreted to give him carte-blanche to have his cake and eat it too with respect to his now-former team.

“I did indeed speak to Coach Dungy recently,” Jackson told SSNN. “He told me he loved my book, and had been aching to write one of his own for years. I gave him a few pointers, told him not to hold back, and reassured him that no matter what horrible things you say, all will be forgiven if you promise them a championship ring.”

Dungy’s manuscript has been tentatively titled At His Majesty’s Pleasure: My Years Serving Peyton Manning. It will be based on Dungy’s journals he kept during his tenure as head coach of the Colts. Early first looks, according to SSNN’s sources, describe the years of turmoil Dungy and the rest of the Colts organization faced at the hands of Manning, calling the pro-bowler “a childish sociopath” who “threw around pouty lips as if they were hand grenades.”

Sources tell SSNN that the manuscript makes wild accusations against the Colts signal caller, including one passage describing an unusual play Manning concocted during training camp one year:

Peyton was thoroughly unsatisfied with how the wideouts had been performing that day…he had already brought Marvin [Harrison] to tears by telling him that he hadn’t seen a nicer mustache since he took a walk through the Castro District in San Francisco…he told me that no one in training camp would ever get in shape in time and then drew up a play which dubbed “The Peyton.” In it, Peyton would heave the football “a million miles in the sky”, would himself run to the end zone “ ‘cuz I’m obvy faster than anyone out there” and catch it himself…needless to say, despite working on it for two hours, it never happened….Peyton began to scream, saying the ball was defective and that it could only work at sea level…no one bothered to tell him that we already had moved camp several times already because it was “too hot” or “too cold” or “it makes everyone but me suck.”

Dungy went on to claim that the real reason for Edgerrin James’ departure was due to constant physical and mental abuse from Manning and also alleges Manning had a homo-erotic fixation on Tom Brady, keeping a life-sized voodoo doll of Brady near his locker “with an unusual amount of pins inserted into the anus.”

Dungy will reportedly receive a $10 million cash advance for the book, and has already planned out a tour promoting the book. Though Dungy could not be reached for comment, Jackson happily confirmed to SSNN that Dungy was excited about his future prospects.

“Everyone has a point where they just want to burn their bridges and then have it all forgotten through the power of money. I’m proud to say Dungy has come to that point.”