Carroll actually angry at Sanchez over QB’s intent to “stick it to my daughter”

LOS ANGELES, CA — Football fans around the country were surprised earlier this month when normally ultra-supportive USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll seemed to publicly disapprove of quarterback Mark Sanchez’s decision to make himself eligible for the NFL Draft.

Though Carroll still claims that Sanchez’s well being was his main concern, it appears there were ulterior motives for the coach’s apparent anger at his team’s offensive leader.

“Look, I’m a professional and as a football coach my job is to mentor and develop these kids, so that they go on to have success in whatever it is they want to do. That’s exactly what I was trying to do when I held a press conference trashing Mark last week,” Carroll insisted. “But I’m not going to lie to you – the fact that he made a point of saying he was gonna use his NFL signing bonus to take my daughter out to dinner and then screw her in the back of his limo got me pretty steamed.”

Carroll’s daughter Jaime is a former USC volleyball player who Sanchez first met on his recruiting visit to the school and has apparently had a crush on ever since.

“I just remember when I was first here checking out the campus and I saw her across the lawn,” Sanchez recalled fondly of the first time he saw the young Ms. Carroll. “She was like this older woman; she was a senior already, and she looked so beautiful and sophisticated. When I asked the guys who she was, they just laughed and told me to forget it – but I never did.”

According to Sanchez, he was always too afraid to ask out Jaime when he was playing for Pete, and as a result was really only able to see her during the rare times she dropped by the school to visit her father. But with four years of “practicing on cheerleaders and groupies and shit,” an NFL payday on the way and the shadow of the elder Carroll no longer being cast his way, Sanchez is ready to make his move.

“I don’t want to overstate it, but let’s just say my game is locked pretty tight – what I mean is, when I take a girl out I usually hit the skins,” the 22-year-old told SSNN. “It was more of a respect thing telling Coach, you know? It was like, ‘I’m leaving now, and when I get paid I’m gonna wine and dine your daughter, and then probably stick it to her in the car, just so you know.’ I figured he’d rather have me hit that than some stranger whose character is totally in question. “

But Carroll was not thrilled about the idea of Sanchez, who he described as “the Jenna Jameson of USC quarterbacks,” spending any time at all with his daughter. Nevertheless, he maintains that his primary goal in questioning the quarterback’s decision to go pro was ensuring that his player succeeds at the next level.

“If I thought Mark was totally ready to take the next step, I would be fully behind him,” Carroll told SSNN, sounding impressively serious. “I just think with only one year of starting under his belt, and with me not having a great option to replace him, it would be better for his career to get a little more seasoning here at USC. That’s what I was trying to get across in my press conference.

“Also just a little bit I wanted to convey to Mark that I will string him up and gut him like a fish if he lays a finger on my beautiful daughter.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!