Cardinals receiver says Bernoulli Effect to blame for sideline spat

PHOENIX, AZ — Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquon Boldin laughed off criticism of his nationally-televised animated argument with offensive coordinator Todd Haley, calling the disagreement “a minor spat over the importance of the Bernoulli effect in effecting lift in an airplane wing in flight” as a way of deflecting tension during a key 4th quarter drive.

“Look, man,” said Boldin, “I don’t want to sit here and dwell on it because for me it’s in the past, but that’s something that goes on every week in the NFL whether people know it or not. We talk about stuff outside of the goings-on of the game, we do it all the time.”

As the Cardinals were driving for the winning touchdown late in the game in their 32-25 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles, Boldin says Haley pulled him from the game to ask the talented wide receiver to stand next to him on the sideline because he was nervous and wanted someone to talk to.

“Coach Haley is always doing stuff like that,” said Boldin. “I know he’s got a headset on and everything, but he ain’t really talking to nobody, because Kurt pretty much does whatever the hell he wants to do out there anyway…whatever it is God tells him to do.

“Haley ain’t even calling plays most of the time—he’s listening to these Rosetta Stone CD’s learning to speak Dutch and reciting some weird stuff because he’s planning on going to Amsterdam this offseason.”

The spat started innocently enough, when Haley asked Boldin if an increased rotational spin on the football or if a gain in force due to increased acceleration to overcome the effects of gravity would best explain Warner’s success in throwing the ball against the highly-ranked Eagles defense.

“I laughed at first—I was a criminology major in college, so I knew that on a windy day like Sunday, Kurt was applying the laws of ballistics to chucking the rock, but Coach H was insisting that the laws of aerodynamics was at work. Aerodynamics, coach? Really? Seriously? Really? Aerodynamics?

“He kept insisting that it was the laws of aerodynamics at work, and I could see he was getting kind of uptight about it, so I thought I’d make a little joke and I said ‘Yeah, you probably think the Bernoulli’s Effect really affects the lift of an airplane wing too, I bet.’”

Boldin said he never anticipated Haley’s explosive reaction.

“I mean, everyone knows that the Bernoulli effect ain’t what gets an airplane off the ground and there ain’t no damn wings on a motherfucking football anyway. Bernoulli is all about the effect of a compressible airflow around an airfoil, and everyone knows that a flow is considered to be compressible only if its change in density with respect to pressure is non-zero along a streamline. Obvy.

“That shit only happens at transonic, supersonic or hypersonic speeds, but definitely not the subsonic speed at which one might discharge a football.”

Coach Haley—who was a communication major at Northern Florida State—seemed to take umbrage at being corrected by his Pro Bowl receiver and appeared to forcefully assert that the Bernoulli effect was in fact a more significant factor than increased rotational spin in Warner’s success on the windy day.

“I see Coach H got his panties in a bunch about it, so I just told him we can Google it later and we should just enjoy the game. We had a great view, fine-ass cheerleaders in our midst, we’re going to the Super Bowl, and what does he know about aerodynamics anyhow?”

Boldin insists there is no hard feelings between him and his coach. “Coach and I are all squared,” Boldin said. “I mean, I’m never talking physics with him on the sideline again—we’ll stick to football. And, of course, where to score the best dope and poonanner in Amsterdam from now on, with respect to his aforementioned, upcoming trip.”

Haley also brushed off the matter and said the much-publicized dispute would not affect his play-calling in the Super Bowl.

“I don’t want to give away our game plan,” said Haley, “but the Steelers better get used to Q running short and medium routes across the middle all day long. We think Polamalu is just a big giant Hawaiian vag-muncher and there is no way he can keep up with Q coming across the middle of the field.”

And if that doesn’t work, Haley said, “thank god that we still have Larry Fitzgerald.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!