Canseco ready to beat up more Hollywood stars (maybe)

PHILADELPHIA — Training in a seedy Philadelphia gym on the wrong side of town, washed-up major league steroid user Jose Cancesco has found a new outlet for ‘roid rage’ that may win him a new legion of fans—bashing in the faces of washed-up Hollywood actors.

The former Oakland A’s slugger, who, along with steroid user Mark McGwire comprised the “Roid Brothers” in the late 80’s, has embarked on a new career on the celebrity boxing circuit, recently scoring a three round draw against former child-actor Danny Bonaduce in his second semi-professional fight.

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“I know that I’m 6’6″ and weigh something like 260 pounds and Bonaduce is just a little guy at 5’6″, but I got to tell you, without the juice, doing anything athletic isn’t as easy as it used to be,” said the 44 year-old Cancesco. “Sometimes I have to ask my girlfriend to open jars of spaghetti sauce for me.”

Canseco, who wrote two tell-all books detailing steroid use in major league baseball that transformed him into one of the more vilified athletes in sports, admitted to being a shameless publicity-addicted attention whore during a break in his training.

“Look, I’ll do or say pretty much anything that will make me a couple of bucks—I think I’ve made that clear over the years, haven’t I?” Canseco asked. “I’m talking to you, right?”

(Editor’s note: SSNN does not pay for interviews. However, the author did buy Canseco a Jamba Juice with a power booster during this interview.)

Canseco takes a sip of his juice and says wistfully, “I think there’s a real desire out there to see people like me get beat up, and if that’s true, there must be other annoying and obnoxious has-beens that people will pay to see get the crap beat out of them too.”

When sleazy promoter Damon Feldman recently approached Cancesco about joining the celebrity boxing circuit, which besides former Partridge Family member Bonaduce, includes other washed-up celebrities like Greg Williams (Brady Bunch) and Donny Osmond, Canseco jumped at the opportunity.

“Look, I get to smack some pansy, no-talent, sex-and-drug addicted publicity whore around AND I get $2 every time somebody downloads it on the internet. It’s practically like getting paid to go to therapy,” Canseco said.

“There’s a lot of people in Major League Baseball that want to punch me in the face,” Canseco notes with pride, “and for the right price I’d allow it, but those guys are in pretty good shape. I don’t want to fight a pissed-off Roger Clemens—although now that he’s off the juice, his wife probably hits harder than he does. Hey, did I mention that I stuck a needle in her ass once? She definitely has a nicer ass than Roger.”

Even though he was unable to win the fight against Bonaduce despite being five years younger, a foot taller, 80 pounds heavier and having a six-inch reach advantage, Canseco remains optimistic regarding his boxing future.

“I’ve got fights lined up already Dustin Diamond (“Screech” from Saved By The Bell), Gary Coleman (“Arnold” on Different Strokes), and Scott (“Carrot Top”) Thompson, Canseco notes. “I should be able to win at least one of those, and in baseball, .333 gets you into the Hall of Fame. At last.”