Big Ben recites alphabet up to F; doctors pronounce condition “excellent”

PITTSBURGH, PA—The Steel City has been holding its breath this past week over fears that their pro-bowl quarterback Ben Roethlisberger might not be at full strength following his concussion—the third of his career—in a week 17 win against the Cleveland Browns. The Steelers face the resurgent Chargers next week, and many were left wondering whether the man who led his team to a Super Bowl in just his second professional season would be cleared to play Sunday. Team doctors assuaged the city’s fears late yesterday afternoon in a press conference in which they made plain that despite the sign al caller’s head trauma, he was fully capable of reciting the alphabet up to—and on occasion, slightly past—the letter F.

“When Mr. Roesthlisberger was admitted to a care just over a week ago, he was unable to remember his name, feed himself, and when we asked him to recite the alphabet, he sang the theme song to “Happy Days,” said head doctor Christian Malkinson. “After extensive medical tests, and given Mr. Roethlisberger’s previous medical history, we are without any hesitation clearing the man-child to play.

“This past Monday, surpassing all of our hopes hear at the Steelers Family, he managed to reach the letter F. Mr. Roethlisberger’s pre-concussion recitation of the alphabet generally extended to the letter I, in contrast to his pre-draft recitation to K. While the change is noticeable, NFL guidelines state that as long as a player is able to recite past the letter C, he is mentally fit to play,” Malkinson continued.

Roethlisberger’s agent Ryan Tollner also emerged to give the media a glimpse into the mind of Roethlisberger.

“Ben is a man of simple tastes. All he wants to do is play ball and watch Power Rangers. He isn’t concerned with mundane and earthly things like telling time, navigating public transport, or reading.”

“He actually recognized me today; he called me ‘Dad’, but most of the time his eyes just glaze over me, so today was definitely a good day,” Tollner added

The doctors were eventually joined by a grinning and mis-shaven Roethlisberger, who was also wearing sunglasses due to his sensitivity to light.

“Our bwave widdle boy here had to put up with a lot of scary tubes and equipment and mean old ladies asking him questions, isn’t that right, Benny?” said Dr. Malkinson while rubbing Roethlisberger’s chin.

“We’re all vewy proud of you and how brave you’ve been, isn’t that right, ladies and gentlemen?” Malkinson continued, goading the press to loudly praise the Super Bowl champ for suffering through his ordeal.

When asked for comment, the Roethlisberger flashed a broad smile and said he was now going to Disney World.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!