Barkley jumps to Verizon: “Surely someone in The Network can give me a blowjob.”

PHOENIX — Ex-NBA star Charles Barkley was unceremoniously dropped as the T-Mobile celebrity spokesperson earlier today in the fallout of Barkley’s New Year’s Eve DUI arrest, in which a heavily intoxicated Barkley informed officers that he was simply going to receive oral sex from a woman who had previously given him “the best blowjob of [his] life.”

Only hours after Barkley was given the boot by T-Mobile, Verizon Wireless announced that they would be hiring Barkley as their new celebrity spokesperson. Barkley’s reasons for signing with Verizon were revealed to SSNN shortly after the announcement.

“I figure with all those people following you around all the time, at least one of them can give me a blowjob,” Barkley reasoned. “Maybe not that dork in glasses, but come on, there’s got to be a loose chick in that crowd somewhere.”

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Verizon Wireless is well-known for their series of commercials featuring the “Verizon Network,” a large group of people, headed by the aforementioned bespectacled (”Can you hear me now? Good!”) man, who apparently follow each and every Verizon customer everywhere he or she goes.

Barkley revealed that ever since his DUI arrest, few have approached Barkley with offers of free sex, and that the nine-time all-star has been having a hard time enjoying himself as a result.

“Do you know the shit I’ve been through for the past two weeks?” an angry Barkley rhetorically asked SSNN. “Ain’t nobody giving me a blowjob now. That chick I was going to see on New Year’s wants nothing to do with me now. Says I’m ‘bad news.’ Well, if I get a crowd of people who bow to my every whim and have to follow me everywhere I go no matter what, odds are that at least one of them will put out.”

“I don’t even care who it’s from,” the former Olympian admitted. “I’ll close my eyes and turn away if I have to. I’m pretty desperate right now.”

“And another thing: If and when I get bombed, I’ve got a built-in designated driver. When I turn on my cell to drunk dial somebody, I’ll be swarmed by people who can just crowd surf me home. No more DUIs for me.”

Barkley also added that the extended networking of Verizon gave the 45-year-old more networking options to keep in contact with women willing to perform certain services.

“I mean, chatting up D-Wade was all fun and good,” said Barkley. “But between my wife, my manager, and my lawyer, and Michael Wilbon, I don’t have any room for a sure thing, if you feel me. The Fave 5 just wasn’t really working for me.”

“Trust me, I will need unlimited calls,” he concluded.

SSNN’s attempts to convince Barkley that the commercials were fictitious and performed for the dramatic effect of “we’re always here for you” were unsuccessful.

“I know it doesn’t happen exactly that way, but they’re based on real-life stuff,” insisted Barkley. “I really do call D.Wade at all hours of the day and night, you know.”

Verizon spokesperson Ken Withampton was rather perplexed with the news that Barkley was under the impression that the commercials represented genuine events, but said if mind-blowing head from a willing individual was what he was looking for, his new employers would be happy to provide for him.

“We here at Verizon Wireless take care of our employees,” Withampton said. “I guess if we need to, we can hire a crowd of skanks to follow him and do his bidding.”

Barkley was enthused.

“Hey, just keep me happy, and I won’t have to drive drunk in the middle of the night and run stop signs to get to a secluded area with a groupie to get head. Everybody wins.”