Arenas forced to drop “Black President” nickname

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Barack Obama’s Tuesday inauguration as America’s first African-American president, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has had to come to some tough realizations.

“All of a sudden, nobody will call me Black President anymore, and Antawn [Jamison, Arenas' Wizards teammate] told me it’s because there’s a real Black President now,” Arenas told SSNN. “But it’s like, ‘What the hell, ‘Tawn?’ I wasn’t a real Black President? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Apparently Arenas has been convinced since his arrival in Washington, D.C. that he was, in fact, a president. What he thought he was doing as president – or even what he believed he was president of, exactly – is far less clear.

“I look at it as just another benefit of Obama becoming president,” Jamison told said. “Gilbert has really been on his high horse with this Black President thing since the day he got to Washington. You should have seen his face when I told him we should probably bag the nickname for Obama’s sake – I’m not even sure he knew that a black man just became the leader of this country.

“For the last five years I’ve had to hear Gil make random, bizarre decrees about everything from workout routines to post-game parties and then tell everyone they had to listen because he was the Black President. There’s no way I’m letting him do that now that we actually have a US President who is black.”

In his defense, Arenas says he was fully aware that Barack Obama had been elected to lead the country and that the former Illinois senator is black. He did not realize, however, that Obama’s inauguration officially marked the end of his tenure as Black President.

“I just kinda figured we’d handle the job together,” Arenas said. “For the most part I didn’t really get into politics as Black President. It was more stuff like making Andray Blatche carry my luggage, or forcing Antawn to pass. I guess one time I did try to establish a new immigration policy, but that was more about playing with [Darius] Songaila than anything else.

“I figured Obama would handle the politics, and I would basically just be the King of D.C. I thought maybe I could be Black Prez 1 and he could be Black Prez 2. Maybe we could have done public appearances together or something, I don’t know… But I guess there can only be one Black President at a time. At least that’s what Antawn says, and he reads about that sort of stuff so I’ll trust him on it.”

For his part, Jamison is just thankful that his teammate is so willing to trust him. Though he considers himself friends with Arenas, he insists he doesn’t feel guilty about tricking him into retiring the nickname.

“At the end of the day, Gil has more than enough nicknames – Hibachi, Agent Zero, East Coast Assassin,” Jamison explained. “Better that he bags the whole Black President thing in a gesture of respect to the actual President of the United States of America, especially if it means he’ll tone down his ‘presidential decrees.’

“If he thinks it’s by rule of the Constitution and not just because he’s annoying the shit out of me, so much the better, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!