Anquan Boldin only Cardinal to not watch inauguration; shunned by teammates

GLENDALE, AZ—Along with an estimated two-thirds of their countrymen, the Arizona Cardinals took a break from their team meeting Tuesday morning to watch the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. Everyone, that is, except wide receiver Anquan Boldin, a move that has seemingly irreversibly damaged Boldin’s standing in the eyes of his teammates

“Yeah, I don’t really care about politics that much,” the 28-year-old Boldin admitted. “I know it’s all historic and stuff, first black president, but it’s not that big of a deal to me.”

“I’m disgusted,” commented fellow wideout Larry Fitzgerald. “We took a special break from film review to watch this momentous occasion, and Anquan was all like, ‘Whatever, guys, I’m gonna be in the rec room.’ Utterly inappropriate.”

“It’s really appalling behavior, I have to admit,” offered Cardinals backup quarterback Matt Leinart. “Here we are, about to watch one of the most incredible occurrences in world history—a black man assuming the most prestigious and demanding job ever created—and Anquan would rather go lift weights. I certainly won’t be returning next year if he does, mark my words.”

Every Cardinal we spoke with echoed the same sentiments: Boldin’s refusal to watch the swearing-in of Obama demonstrated a massive lack of focus and dedication as well as a horrendous lack of appreciation for history.

“This is all just an element of Boldin’s refusal to commit t o the team—and by the team I mean America,” declared Cardinals offensive coordinator Todd Haley. “This is going to be a moment that none of us will ever forget, and when Anquan’s children ask him where he was, he’ll have to say he was pumping iron.”

Despite all the controversy swirling around him, Boldin says that he still doesn’t fully understand his teammates’ objections.

“I mean half of these guys didn’t even vote—some of them can’t vote, being felons, obvy—and now suddenly since Obama is in, they’re Johnny Politics or whatever.”

“I might not normally enjoy politics, but I’m not so shortsighted as to not recognize historical moments when they arise,” replied rookie running back Timothy Hightower. “I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t witness this.”

Cardinals GM Rod Graves told SSNN that unless Boldin agreed to watch the entire inauguration ceremony from start to finish, twice, he would be deactivated and placed on waivers at the earliest opportunity.

“We cannot tolerate this type of behavior,” said Graves. “Such a poor example to America’s youth, and a hindrance and distraction to the team. If [Anquan] isn’t embarrassed for himself, he should be embarrassed for his family and teammates.”

At press time, Boldin has been benched and fined $250,000.

“I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than know that I allowed even one member of our franchise to miss the moment of Obama’s inauguration,” Graves said. “Come to think of it, we’ll probably lose the Super Bowl anyway, so we might as well at least get some Obamania out of it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!