1,000,000th American man masturbates while thinking about Erin Andrews

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY — Though he had no idea of the importance of his actions at the time, Poughkeepsie resident Gene Wilkinson made history somewhere around 12:30 A.M. Eastern Time Wednesday morning when he became the one-millionth American man to masturbate while focusing on the image of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews.

“I don’t know what to say – I suppose I’m honored… or, proud of myself maybe… I guess I just don’t know what to think,” said a surprised and slightly sheepish Wilkinson told SSNN when reached for comment. “How is it that you guys found me again?”

Invasion of privacy aside, Wilkinson’s self-administered hand job marks an important milestone in the world of sports journalism, where no reporter had previously been imagined by anywhere near a million masturbating men.

“According to our studies, Hannah Storm held the record for times imagined by masturbators up until a few years ago, with only 237,564,” said masturbation expert and enthusiast Dr. Richard Waxer. “Undoubtedly she’s closer to 240,000 by now, with her morning appearances on ESPN, but certainly she’ll never approach Erin. Ms. Andrews is a very special individual, and truly unmatched in the sports media business.

“It’s not about the competition for her anymore – she’s just going for stats, and the 1,000,000 mark is a big one. That’s putting her in actress territory; not that she’ll be challenging Demi Moore or Pam Anderson any time soon, but I’d say she could give Jessica Biel a run for her money. Let’s just say that when I flog the bishop, it’s not at all unusual for me to imagine Erin Andrews.”

According to Wilkinson, his landmark chicken-choke, “happened pretty organically,” without much forethought or planning.

“I had TiVo’d the Ohio State-Indiana basketball game because I’m a former Buckeye myself. I was just watching it before bed, but Indiana is just trash, so it wasn’t much of a game,” he explained. “Then just before halftime, they cut to Erin for a sideline report, and I started to get that feeling, you know? So I took care of business.

“I didn’t realize anybody else would even find out about this, much less interview me about it. Like I said, I’m not entirely comfortable with this whole thing. Is there any way you could just not tell anybody?”

When told of her unknowing accomplishment, Andrews herself appeared unsure of how to respond, though she emphatically rejected SSNN’s offer to introduce her to Wilkinson.

“Honestly, this is just one of those things that you probably realize if you really think about it, but you’d rather not think about it, you know?” Andrews told an SSNN reporter. “I mean, how would you feel if you knew women everywhere were imagining you while masturbating?

“Actually, I take that question back. Let’s just talk about something else.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!