Zambrano shoveling snow to make some “fun money” during winter

CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Cubs officials are scrambling today as they comb through the recently-signed $91.5 million extension for ace Carlos Zambrano, looking for a way to bar the wacky right-hander from continuing his winter job — shoveling sidewalks and driveways for wealthy citizens of Chicago’s North Shore suburbs.

“For as crazy as he is, it seems like Carlos really covered his bases on this thing,” said a Tribune Company lawyer who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I’ve read through this contract a half-dozen times now, and I don’t see any way that we can use it to keep him from shoveling snow. If he was using a snowblower, maybe; certainly if he was riding a snowmobile, but for shoveling? I guess nobody ever figured this issue would come up.”

Zambrano’s snow-shoveling business has reportedly taken off, despite the fact that he is new to the job and set prices far above the industry standard.

“I’m not going to apologize for taking control of the snow-clearing business on the North Shore, no sir,” the 14-game winner told SSNN. “If these other businesses can’t compete, that’s their problem — if I took your business it probably means I’m doing a better job.”

Zambrano said he determines prices on a job-by-job basis, but that his rate is usually in the ballpark of $15 per yard of sidewalk and $40 per yard of driveway. By comparison, the Steve Sanders Snow Shovelers — a group of four now-14-year-old boys from Glenco who have been shoveling snow along the lakeshore for the past three winters — charge $20 per sidewalk and $50 per driveway, yet have lost all but four of their clients; specifically the parents of each shoveler.

“It’s not fair,” said Sanders, attempting to choke back tears of rage. “Now I don’t have any money for candy after school. Not to mention weed — I’ve got two weeks of winter break staring me in the face and not a freaking dollar for weed. What the hell am I going to do?”

But Zambrano says he needs money too, and has no intention of slowing his pace or relinquishing his customers.

“I’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle over the last few years, and I need some winter fun money to keep it rolling,” Big Z told SSNN. “Sure, I’ve got the big extension, but did you know they only send checks during the season? See, I didn’t know that and so I might have overbudgeted a little.

“The point is, I really need this cash to keep me liquid. All I can say to my competition — like the Sanders group, or that homeless guy Tyrone — is that they’re gonna have to step up their game if they want their customers back.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!