Yankees sign Santa Claus to a 10-year, $210M deal; still get no presents

NEW YORK, NY — Continuing their off-season spending spree, the Yankees nabbed two big-name free agents yesterday, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and North Pole resident Santa Claus. Though Teixeira’s 8-year $180 million contract was highly touted, Santa was an even bigger winner, nabbing a $210 million 10-year deal. 

Despite the acquisition of St. Nicholas to their roster, Santa revealed to SSNN that the Yankees are still on his Naughty List and will receive no presents this year. 

“The contract was nice, but I’m afraid that it just isn’t enough to bump them up,” Santa told SSNN. “I can’t overlook the fact they were massive assholes throughout 2008 just because they gave ol’ Santa some coffee money, you know.” 

Yankee Senior Vice-President Hank Steinbrenner was furious with the news. “This is bullshit!” a clearly enraged Steinbrenner roared. “I lay good money on the line for that donkeypuncher, and he won’t even meet me halfway by giving the organization some Christmas presents? Why the hell did he think we signed him — for his curve ball?!” 

When told of Steinbrenner’s response, a weary Santa told SSNN, “Hank should know by now that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to win him any points in Santa’s book. I should remind him has a full day to make up for his transgressions this year. He could donate half of the Yankee payroll to the poor, and he could find a cure for Parkinson’s or something. He still has, uh, 20 hours to go, so he’d better get to it.” 

“That’s too bad,” said a clearly depressed A-Rod, when told none of the Yankees would be receiving presents this year. “Even though I’m kind of a Kabbalah guy right now, I was hoping I’d still get some presents this year, obvy, since I am extremely greedy.” 

Many baseball and holiday analysts have already labeled the Yankees signing of Father Christmas as nothing short of pure extortion and bribery. 

“When you get down to it, this is nothing less than a clear ploy by the Yankees and Steinbrenner to unfairly elevate themselves above the competition in this year’s present giveaway,” said ESPN’s Sports and Holiday correspondent Karl Ravech. 

“The League needs to take a serious look at the current state of the Yankees right now. Signing Santa Claus is empirically unfair,” said legal expert Pat Bonmahan, who has filed an petition with the League to make a ruling on whether the signing of an immortal, omniscient, deity is fair.

Commissioner Selig (a Jew) is expected to make a ruling on Monday. But none of this legal wrangling has had any effect on the Yankees current spot on Santa’s Naughty List. 

“Santa is mighty excited about this opportunity to play for the Yankees,” said Santa. “But I’m afraid that, as has been the case for the past 89 years, the Yankees will get no presents from me this year. Except for Chien-Ming Wang.  I owe him ‘cause I skipped over him last year ‘cause I thought he was Buddhist.”

Special thanks to @robtraut for the idea. Merry Christmas!

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!