Sean Avery calls Bettman a “stinkypants crapface”

DALLAS, TX — Furious Dallas Stars defenseman Sean Avery lashed out at NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman after Bettman suspended Avery this week.

“Gary Bettman is a poohead, and that’s all there is too it. “He’s just a big ole stinkyface and he’s a meanie. I’ve never met such a big pee-pee-head.”

Avery’s stinging comments came after Bettman suspended the Stars player for making an offhanded comment regarding “sloppy seconds” with reference to some of his ex-girlfriends.

“I don’t understand why he suspended me,” Avery said. “The only explanation is that he’s just a crybaby and a jerkwad, a real buttface poobrain.”

According to Avery, he called Bettman to express his concern in person, and Bettman listened for a moment before saying, “I know you are, but what am I?”

“So I repeated the whole thing, I called him all the names again, and then at the end, he goes, ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ It was really frustrating, but I just gave up.”

Avery said he’s stunned Bettman has been able to advance so far in his career being such a poo-brain.

“He’s just a total smellyfoot uglynose poopmonger, and I hate him I hate him I hate him,” Avery said.

Said Bettman to Avery, “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and you’re suspended.”

“Your mom,” Avery said.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!