Sabathia to eat old Yankee Stadium

NEW YORK, NY—The signing of CC Sabathia by the Yankees on Wednesday presented the Yankees with one answer to two of their problems: shoring up their porous pitching staff, and a way to destroy the old Yankee Stadium.

“We were all set to wire up the place for demolition,” commented Hank Steinbrenner, Yankees part-owner. “But now with CC here, we don’t have to spend the money to blow the place up; [CC] can just swallow it, brick by brick.”

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Steinbrenner’s estimates indicated that dem olishing the House That Ruth Built professionally would cost in excess of $750,000, and that having his newly-signed ace render the same result with no extra cost and no mess, was clearly the optimal solution.

“We just gave him the largest pitcher’s contract ever,” Steinbrenner said frankly. “Making Yankee Stadium disappear isn’t asking that much, I think.”

Though Sabathia was under no obligation to agree to dispose of the legendary ballpark, everyone involved seemed to agree that Sabathia’s cooperation would prove to be a positive step forward in this new chapter in his career.

“We talked about it, and both parties agreed that the Sabathia consuming Yankee Stadium would be an excellent way to demonstrate his commitment to his new team,” Yankee manager Joe Girardi told SSNN. “It shows he’s willing to go the extra mile for the team by doing the organization a favor in a time of need, and it shows his dedication to consuming a stadium that can hold almost 60,000 people.”

When asked for comment, Sabathia said, “I’m pleased to do whatever I can to help my new team. To show that I am a team player and not merely an individual, I will happily gobble down the old Yankee Stadium and all things, items, and people that inhabit it at that time.”

The former Cy Young winner’s only request was that mustard be sprayed around the stadium, claiming that mustard, “eases [his] digestive tract.”

The left-hander’s planned devouring is scheduled to begin at noon on January 4. Yankee officials plan to sell three days worth of tickets to the event, but Sabathia remains confident that the undertaking will only take two days at most.

“Assuming I have a light breakfast, I could probably get through halfway by midnight,” reflected the three-time all-star.

The planned consumption will be Sabathia’s largest undertaking in the world of food since his ingestion of most of downtown Cleveland after a poor start in 2004.