Red Sox fans “didn’t want that Teixeira douche anyway”

BOSTON, MA—One would have thought that the Yankees nabbing former Angels first baseman Mark Teixeira and signing him to an 8-year $180 million deal would have put a bit of a damper on the Christmas cheer in the self-proclaimed “greatest sports city in the nation,” but one would be wrong.

“Teixeira who?” snapped Mark Tellham, a gas station attendant. “He’s a nobody. If the Yankees want to blow that much cash on some dude who’s never done anything in the game, whatever.”

SSNN traveled around the city and learned that, counter-intuitively, not only were the residents of the sporting hub completely unconcerned that their hated rival had just acquired the two biggest free agents in the off-season — the other being Cy Young winner CC Sabathia — most were pleased that the Sox hadn’t signed the 28-year-old two-time Silver Slugger.

“I was totally stoked when the Sox announced they weren’t going to pursue him,” commented Eric Spicman, a high school teacher. “At first, I was like ‘Ooh, that Teixeira guy? He’s good right?’ Turns out he’s ok at best. Career .290 hitter, .308 last year. Let me know when he does something special.”

“Teixeira totally sucks ass,” said storeowner Steven Jessip. “I wouldn’t want him on our team anyway. He’s such a pussy. 100 home runs in his first three seasons? Yawn. So what if he’s just the fifth guy to do it and three of the other four are in the Hall of Fame? Big whoop. It’s an early Christmas present, the Yankees getting that loser.”

“He’ll probably go down in the first week, he’s got a glass body,” commented Cab Driver Henry Cleg, citing Teixeira’s two career trips to the DL.

Some fans even went so far to say that they were far to preoccupied with the rest of Boston’s sports teams to concern themselves with baseball.

“Pfffft! Who’s even thinking about baseball right now?” snorted Boston College sophomore Brian Derrickson. “C’s are kicking ass, Bruins are hot, Pats are going to the playoffs, who cares about the Sox?”

“Yeah, spring is a million years away dude, it’s all about the Pats who are totally going to win the Super Bowl again, even without that guy who was our quarterback, whatever his name was,” proclaimed Ray Chua, sales consultant, bringing back memories of a similar event back in September in which Boston residents began to claim that Tom Brady was incredibly overrated and wore a Yankee hat one time and sucked by definition.

Throughout the day, Boston residents continued to claim that the signing of Teixeira was something that they were completely nonplussed about.

“Honestly, I’d never even heard of him until last week,” claimed self-described “baseball nut” Pete Rickman. “Seriously, he’s a nobody. Screw him.” At this point Rickman became quite flustered and refused to continue speaking.

“Yep, we’re totally set. If we could just re-sign Manny that World Series trophy would practically be ours. We don’t need big name free-agents!” said a visibly sobbing Terry MacAtlife, lifelong Boston resident. “WE DON’T NEED BIG NAMES!! OH GOD, WHY??!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!