Peyton Manning goes “off register” on Ashley’s Christmas gift

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning learned a valuable lesson last year when he forgot to buy presents for his wife Ashley in the holiday rush. Although tragedy was narrowly averted when the pro-bowler managed to find a pawn shop that had a vintage copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special, Manning vowed to never leave anything till the last minute again.

“Thank Jesus Ashley is such a huge Star Wars fan,” Manning said. “I fed her some crap story about how I had been looking for it for weeks. But the pressure I felt was too much, so I’m never going to make that mistake again.”

Manning said that henceforth he’s taking a new tack.

“Well this year I decided to take a different approach,” the former MVP said. “I decided to start all my shopping early, but instead of getting her stuff on her list, I’m going ‘off register’ and buying her whatever the hell I want.”

Manning says his new approach to holiday season fits in perfectly with his obsessive need to go into unprepared and decide what to do on the spot.

“What if no store sells what she wants? What if she requested something she’s never gonna use? There are too many variables to consider, so I’m taking over this offense. We’re gonna do it my way; no more Christmas lists or requests. I am going to walk into a department store and buy the first five things I see that I think she’ll like and then I’ll move on.”

“I don’t believe in gameplans or having an idea and then executing it…why do you think I audible every play? I’m a spontaneous kind of guy who sees and reacts. A pink blowdryer selling for $19.95? BOOM! GOT IT! Who cares if it wasn’t on the list?”

Manning also told SSNN that he will apply his newfound strategy of present-buying to his teammates and relatives.

“I’ve already bought Eli his present,” the Colts signal-caller told SSNN. “I was driving on the highway, and stopped to pull over to get some gas at a Hess station. BOOM! Eli will love a Hess truck! I just hope it doesn’t come with any small pieces though; he might choke on them.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!