Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”

NEW YORK, NY — Mike Ditka’s made an unusual—and probably unconstitutional—suggestion on “NFL Countdown” yesterday that the NFL should bar all players from owning guns, following Plaxico Burress’ arrest following an incident involving a handgun went largely unnoticed by the mainstream media, but did not escape the attention of certain gun enthusiasts who suit up every Sunday.

Ditka’s proposal drew almost immediate ire from some of the NFL’s most colorful characters, including one Adam “Pacman” Jones.

“The Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States guarantees the People’s right to bear arms,” Jones announced at a press conference. “Mr. Ditka’s proposal to strip all professional football players of their God-given right to self-defense is nothing less than communism.”

Jones, who was involved in an infamous shooting at a Las Vegas strip club back in 2007 which left a man partially paralyzed, was joined by associates “Tank” Johnson, Marvin Harrison, and NRA president John C. Sigler.

Despite the fact that Ditka has no power to make any such rule, and if such a rule were established it would almost certainly be successfully challenged in court, it has not stopped Pacman and co. from making plain their opposition to gun control.

“‘Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes …they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man.’ You know who said that? Thomas fucking Jefferson, that’s who,” announced Tank Johnson, who has been arrested several times for unlawful gun ownership, to stunned reporters.

“You know who had gun control laws in their countries?” Marvin Harrison, whose handgun was involved in a shooting back in May, asked reporters, “Stalin, Hitler, Mao. All the bad guys. Gun control is Orwellian and un-American.”

“Some bleeding-heart liberals might tell you that guns are evil and kill people and waah waah,” jeered NRA President John C. Sigler. “These fine, upstanding citizens know perfectly well that no one has the power to deny a man his right to self-defense. The Neo-fascist-league wants Pacman to wander into a strip club at two in the morning completely unarmed. Not while I’m breathing, he won’t.”

“I own handguns to protect myself from the overreaching hand of the League,” Tank Johnson said. “I sleep better at night knowing that if Roger Goodell sends his goons to deprive me of my life and liberty I will be prepared.”

“It’s the Second Amendment,” Jones told reporters. “The second, as in, number two, which means it’s the second most important one. Just behind freedom of speech, way ahead of equal rights for women.”

Jones left no room for doubt where he would stand if the League ever were to introduce such a ban on firearms for all players.

“Should this law ever come to pass, I will take up arms in defense of my freedom against the League” the Dallas corner promised. “‘For the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants,’” another famous saying of Jefferson’s. Following these comments Pacman was suspended for the entire 2009 NFL season for threatening the league with violence.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!