Matt Cassel not making any friends with “updog” jokes in locker room

FOXBORO, MA — After leading his team in a pasting of the Arizona Cardinals with another huge passing day, New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel should be the toast of the town, not to mention his own locker room.

But instead of gushing with praise for their impressive young gunslinger, Cassel’s Patriots teammates have, in the words of defensive stalwart Tedy Bruschi, “had it up to here with the obnoxious little bastard,” and his locker room antics.

“It’s these updog jokes – you know, like where you say something about ‘updog,’ like ‘oh man, I was out at a restaurant the other day and the waiter spilled updog right in my lap,’ and then someone is like, ‘what’s updog?’ and then they realize they just said what’s up, dog,” Bruschi explained. “Sure, I laughed the first time — right after game one, when everybody needed a little comic relief after Tom’s injury. Then it was cool. But now it seems like if he’s not calling out hot reads, he’s got some updog joke to tell you. I could choke him, seriously.”

Bruschi’s sentiment seems to be shared by the majority of the Patriots, but it seems that all attempts to make Cassel stop telling the jokes altogether have failed completely.

“For me it’s more just that there is a time and a place, you know? Like, I had to draw the line when he brought that shit into the huddle,” said gregarious wideout Randy Moss. “But when I told him that he had to quit it with that garbage, he just said, ‘I know, right?’ as if I was telling him how funny he was. Listen, I actually think updog jokes are pretty funny most of the time, I just don’t need to hear that I still have updog stuck in my face mask when I come back to the huddle after getting nailed by Joey Porter, you know?

Despite his teammate’s best efforts, Cassel says he has every intention to continue telling as many updog jokes as he possibly can. He seems blissfully unaware of his behavior’s negative effects, and sees it as the best way to bring levity and “some real, genuine happiness” to an otherwise intense locker room environment.

“There are just so many ways that an updog joke can be funny, you know? That’s what I’m realizing — that people knowing it’s coming doesn’t actually take away any of the comedic value,” Cassel insisted. “Just yesterday, I was telling Kevin [Faulk, Patriots running back] I could see his updog through his pants, and Tedy comes over and is like, ‘Hey Matt, we all know what updog is,’ so I was just like ‘Don’t you mean you know what is up, dog?!’ Which was obviously classic.

“I couldn’t actually hear anyone else over my own laughter, but I know they were laughing too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!