Man in danger of losing family after 23rd straight fantasy loss

CHICAGO, IL–David Morton is reeling today after losing his 23rd consecutive fantasy footbal contest, and his difficulties on the virtual gridiron are starting to take over his real-life.

“Yeah, the wife gave me an ultimatum,” Morton told SSNN. “It’s win-or-go-home for me this week. Or, rather, win-or-no-home, I should say.”

That is because Morton’s wife of three years, Michelle, has threatened to leave him if he does not defeat Tha Bully Pulpit in this week’s final game of the season. Michelle Morton defended her decision in a tearful SSNN interview.

“I love David,” she said. “I really do. But I cannot take this losing anymore. When he ended last year on a 10-game losing streak, I figured, ‘It’s fantasy football, shit happens.’ But if he goes 0-for-14 this year, what the hell am I suppposed to think?”

David Morton has had plenty of time to think about this.

“I was let go from my job after week 10,” Morton said. “At ProTech, since it’s a work fantasy football league, there’s a clause in it that states that if you lose twenty games in a row, they can fire you without any severance or anything. So, you know, with the economy all bad, I think they just seized the opportunity.”

David’s bigger concern is his wife maybe leaving him. While he thinks that she is perhaps overreacting, many of her friends fully agree with her approach, and are even putting some pressure on Michelle to leave David.

“Check it out, I play fantasy football,” said Donna Beyer, one of Michelle’s best friends. “I’m 8-5 this year. Half of the game is luck, anyway; if I let my dog pick my lineup each week I’m probably 4-9.”

While David Morton agreed, he was quick to point out that he did draft Tom Brady in the first round, and that he still would have beaten four of the nine teams in the league this past weekend. Even with the excuses, Beyer was not buying it.

“Look, David’s a great guy, and I wish him the best,” Beyer said. “He’s very nice to Michelle, and he stayed in shape after college, which is admirable. But saying that you would have beaten ‘Four out of nine’ teams this week? ‘Four out of nine?!’ Yeah, that’s the guy I want my friend to be married to. I mean, for Christ’s sake, I wouldn’t even sleep with a guy who lost 23 straight fantasy games. And I’ll sleep with pretty much anyone.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!