Longhorns face difficult road to national championship

AUSTIN, TX — It almost seems like the BCS doesn’t want Texas to win a second national championship in five years this year.

“Obviously, we’re not biased against any particular team,” said John Swofford, head of the BCS Committee. “Unless, wait, are you talking about the Texas Longhorns? You are? Then, yeah, hell yeah, there’s no way those dudes will be national champions this year.”

Swofford said that he doesn’t know why, but he just hates Texas, and all of his BCS buddies do too, so they’ve made it really hard for Texas to win a national championship.

“There are some scenarios in which Texas can be the National Champion,” Swofford said. “If Alabama beats Florida, and Missouri beats Oklahoma, then Texas will have a decent shot to be in the National Championship game. There’s no guarantees, though, some things will still have to happen.”

Swofford said aside from the voters in the various polls around the country finally giving Texas their due, there are other things they can do to make their case.

“Well, one thing that always goes a long way with me is fruit baskets, especially if they have big envelopes of cash in them,” Swofford said. “I can’t speak for the voters or anything, but I feel like it might be worth a tenth of a point here and there.”

Swofford said that even bribes probably won’t be enough for Texas to get a national championship, though.

“We’ve got some other ideas,” he said. “One thing is to have them do like a ropes course, you know, where they have to complete a bunch of challenges as a team? That could be fun. We’ve also advised them that they should try and win the AFC Wild Card in the NFL, and beat Baltimore on the road in the first round. That will help. And, finally, of course, they’ll have to pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months. And you know that I like it when they take all the little number tags on my shirts before they go in the closet, right?”

Swofford said that if Texas is able to complete all the tasks facing them, then they’ll likely be considered for a national championship.

“Listen,” Swofford said. “The BCS is a complicated and magical machine, and sometimes you put in all the numbers and it doesn’t come out the way you want it to. But like all great machines and inventions, it has to be massaged a little bit. It has to be worked with, coddled. So that’s all that Texas has to do, is just take care of the machine, and it will take care of them.”

Swofford had one last piece of advice for something he’d like to see from Texas, should they want a championship.

“Just two words, folks,” he said. “Elephant walk.”

Special thanks to HiddenLinks for the headline idea.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!