Lions see potential in winless season

DETROIT — Much has been made in the media about the Detroit Lions’ quest for the perfectly imperfect NFL season: a winless record through sixteen games – a feat never before accomplished in professional football. Despite the prospects of such an embarrassing moment in sports history, Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli finally addressed this topic with the media in his press conference following Monday’s practice, after refusing to discuss the issue for fourteen games.

“Ya know, I believe in the invisible,” said Marinelli. “And if a ‘winless’ season is what it takes to make our team ‘visible’ to the common NFL fan, then I’m all for it. The important thing is to stay the course. I look forward to the future of Lions football.”

Marinelli went on to challenge a local beat reporter who asserted that 0-16 has never been seen before in the NFL, and that 0-14 is bad enough.

“I’m not 0-14, YOU are 0-14,” countered Marinelli. “I’m not one for remaining in the past, especially when it comes to unimportant things like my team’s winning percentage. ‘You are only winless if you believe that you are winless,’ so says the ancient military proverb.”

Marinelli then named Dan Orlovsky his starting quarterback for the remainder of the season, saying that the former UConn QB gives his team the best chance at success on Sunday against the New Orleans Saints.

“Dan-O has played well, he has limited his turnovers and has actually tried getting the ball to Calvin [Johnson],” argued Marinelli. “Besides, can you name anyone else in the state of Michigan I haven’t already tried back there that would be better?”

Several Lions players echoed Marinelli’s positive sentiments about the potential of a completely defeated season.

“I honestly wouldn’t care if we went 0-16 this year,” stated a rather upbeat captain, defensive tackle Cory Redding, “because we would be guaranteed time off in January, right? I mean honestly, who wants to work in Detroit in the dead of winter? I can think of a million things I’d rather do.”

“Being 0-16 in Detroit means that you get all the ladies,” grinned outside linebacker Ernie Sims, “NFL cheerleaders in particular.”

Added Orlovsky: “My wife already scheduled a lot of things for our family to do together next month. I’m in no position to argue with that.”

“I’m tired of being known only as ‘that wussy linebacker with the girlie name’,” chuckled middle linebacker Paris Lenon. “This way, attention is diverted to less important things, like the current state of our franchise.”

17-year veteran Lions kicker Jason Hanson, however, had a strikingly different view on this situation. As he was walking off the practice field Monday, Hanson was clearly heard uttering to himself the phrase “kill me now.”

Lions’ owner William Clay Ford was unavailable for comment, as he was taking his daily afternoon nap.

At the end of the press conference, Marinelli indicated Hanson has just been placed on Injured Reserve by the team, citing what he only referred to as “wrists.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!