Kiffin to quit as Vols coach: “My work here is almost done”

KNOXVILLE, TN — Citing that he’d “accomplished everything [he] wanted to,” Lane Kiffin announced this morning that he’s resigning as coach of the Tennesse Volunteers football team after allegedly committing a recruiting violation.

“I came here with a simple goal, which is the same goal I’ve carried to every job,” Kiffin said. “That goal is to set back this program as far as I possibly can, as soon as I possibly can. Well, I have done that, so now it’s time to move on to my next challenge.”

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Kiffin, who called Tampa recruit Jarvis Giles and was immediately called out by South Carolina’s Steve Spurrier, is also doing other things to sabotage the Tennessee program.

“Well, I’ve got a few different courses of action in play,” Kiffin said. “Not only am I trying to commit recruiting violations, but I’m also trying to piss off our boosters, undermine the authority of my assistant coaches, and sabotage the equipment in the weight room. Of course, if all of that fails, I can always poison the food of our players on game day, but I honestly don’t think I’m even going to need to do that.”

Kiffin said he’ll likely resign sometime next week, after he’s sufficiently satifsfied himself that he’s done all he can to destroy the Volunteers.

“You know, it would have been nice to coach a game,” Kiffin said. “But sometimes you don’t need to even get on the field. Ask the Oakland Raiders. They didn’t need to see me on Sunday to know what an awful job I was doing. They saw me all week!”

Kiffin said he’s not sure what his next opportunity will be.

“I don’t know, at this point,” Kiffin said. “I’m going to go home and think it over for a bit. But I’ve got to tell you, the Boston Celtics look might appealing for ol’ LK.”