Kiffin “amazingly lame” for such a young coach

KNOXVILLE, TN — Lane Kiffin has arrived in Rocky Top, and the first reports are coming in about the 33-year old coach.

“I understand that Lane is only 33 years old,” said athletic director Mike Hamilton. “But don’t let that fool you. Lane is no young, hip kid. He has the lameness of an individual 25- to 30-years his senior.”

Kiffin’s douchiness is already amazing many of the Volunteer footballers.

“It’s really unbelievable,” said running back Arian Foster. “I was expecting this young, hip dude, who I could relate to, who would understand what I was going through, that sort of thing. Instead there’s this monster douche burrito standing in the weight room, making these corny jokes and stuff. It’s painful. Definitely not what I expected.”

“Dude doesn’t even have a Facebook account,” said WR Lucas Taylor. “33 years old and he doesn’t have a Facebook account? Who the hell is this guy and who does he think he is?”

Many around Tennessee had hoped Kiffin would resurrect the program with youth and energy, and are disappointed to find out that’s not the case.

“It’s almost like he drank some sort of magical lame potion, where you take yourself way too seriously and lose any sense of humor you ever may have had,” said quarterback Jonathan Crompton. “Some sort of Harry Potter-shit going on over there, man.”

Hamilton, for his part, couldn’t be more pleased with the bustedness of his coach’s personality.

“Check it out,” Hamilton said. “Lane Kiffin is a coach in a division with Bobby Petrino, Nick Saban, and Houston Nutt, and people are calling him a douche? It’s really an amazing testament to what an amazing douche Lane really is, to be considered a world-class douche even with such great competition nearby.”

Still, the players are not buying it.

“I don’t know,” Foster said. “Seems to me like they could’ve gotten someone who was a bit younger and could related to us a little bit more, you know, understood how we feel, what we go through. This guy, it seems like he’s from another world. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I heard that once, a long time ago, he coached in the NFL. No way, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!