(Jim) Rome sacked by barbarians

LOS ANGELES, CA—Doctors at Los Angeles County Hospital confirmed today that Jim Rome, controversial sports personality and host of Jim Rome Is Burning was sacked by Barbarians who broke into his condominium late last night. Rome is currently in critical but stable condition, with multiple broken bones, and internal bleeding. Rome’s wife and children were shaken, but unharmed.

“He’ll probably make it, but I don’t think he can ever fully recover,” sighed Dr. Steven Chestnut, who attended to Rome. “Rome’s immoderate greatness was destined to be his downfall. A lack of civic virtue, combined with an appetite for the excesses of victory outgrowing the desire to attain victory, was his undoing.”

Police reports indicate the perpetrators of the assault were likely Visigoths, possibly led by Jim “Chris” Everett, Rome’s longtime foe. The Visigoths pillaged and burned Rome’s house for three days, the first time that Rome’s house had been sacked in over 8 years, since before the establishment of his sporting commentary empire.

Many have begun to wonder if Jim Rome’s brutal sacking signals the end, or at least the beginning of the end of his journalistic career.

“The barbarians w ere ruthless,” commented LAPD detective Mark Carachio. “Though Jim Rome had been dead inside for a long time, symbolically, historians will remember this day of the end of Jim Rome’s Empire.”

“I don’t think this will lead to Jim’s fall,” a philosophic Kenny Mayne told SSNN. “Rather, I think this will lead to a complex series of transformations within Jim, till one day the Jim Rome we knew and loved will be gone forever. It’s basically a fall, but just a dicky way of being contrary.”

“We must ask the questions: how was Jim Rome, the one indomitable force of nature, sacked by a bunch of petty barbarians, led by a shitty NFL quarterback?” asked sports historian Keith Olbermann. “We must each look at what happened to Jim Rome and ask, will I become so much of a dickweed that Chris Everett ends up beating the shit out of me?”

“This date will mark the end of an era,” said fellow ESPN personality Steven A. Smith. “With Jim Rome gone, the values and character he represented will disappear and be replaced by violence and brutality, an age of unprecedented darkness in the sporting commentary world.”

Smith was hopeful, however, that one day, Jim Rome’s traditions and heritage would be resurrected. “I think one day, a new sports commentator will rise, embracing the traditions of Jim Rome and giving birth to his own sporting legacy. He will embody Jim Rome’s principles of arrogance, elitism, and general dickishness, and base much of his studio architecture on that of Rome’s. Until he, too, passes away, like all great sports commentators must.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!