Holyfield inks deal to fight “damn kids that won’t get off my lawn”

FAYETTE COUNTY, GA — Most of the boxing community thought — or hoped, anyway — that a defeat at the hands of the mammoth Nikolai Valuev would finally convince allegedly 46-year-old Evander Holyfield to hang up his gloves.

Instead, Holyfield has challenged the veracity of the majority decision that awarded the fight to Valuev and is already signed up to fight again. Perhaps in response to the perceived slight from WBA judges, Holyfield has put together a deal to fight outside the ropes of mainstream boxing organizations.

“I’m sponsoring this next fight myself, and I plan to hire my own judges and build my own ring in the backyard of my home here in Fayette County,” Holyfield revealed exclusively to SSNN. “These damn kids that won’t get off my lawn, they’ve had a fight coming to them for a while. Obviously I can’t fight all of them at once in a sanctioned bout, so now that I’m pissed off at the boxing establishment it seems like a perfect time to take them on.”

According to Holyfield, neighborhood boys 12-year-olds Johnny Ardst and Steve Planck, 14-year-old Alex Cooper, and 11-year old Davey Stanton are “constantly” playing in his yard, despite his repeated warnings to “clear out of here, you little good-fer-nothin’s.”

The boys say they have ventured onto Holyfield’s property only a few times, and even then only to retrieve various balls from games they play at a nearby park.

“Last week when Alex hit a home run in our home run derby, it went into Mr. H’s backyard from my backyard and we had to go get it,” said Davey Stanton, whose parents’ home is next-door to Holyfield’s. “Then I think maybe the football went in there once or twice, and I know Buster [the Stanton family dog] likes to pee on the front lawn when I walk him. But I don’t want to fight Mr. H — he’s big and scary. We don’t ever have to go on his lawn again.”

Unfortunately for Stanton and his friends, Holyfield is not in a forgiving place in his life right now, and has already drawn up the paperwork for the fight. Because he is funding the entire exhibition himself and hiring his own judges, the four-time heavyweight champ put pen to paper this morning, effectively locking the bout in for March 28th.

“Listen, I’ve had it with these darned kids. Children today have no respect, and I’m gonna teach those little punks a thing or two with a good old-fashioned ass-whooping,” Holyfield said. “When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill to school… BOTH WAYS. I want these kids to feel my pain, you know?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!