Hamilton wins best season by dude who once had a heroin addiction

ARLINGTON, TX — Much was made in baseball circles of the lack of activity during last week’s Winter Meetings in Las Vegas, but fans may be surprised to learn that more was decided than MLB originally let on.

The Texas Rangers announced today that a majority vote among general managers has officially created a new post-season award that will be given to multi-talented outfielder Josh Hamilton.

“We are very pleased to announce that Josh Hamilton will be receiving this honor,” Rangers’ GM Jon Daniels told an intrigued group of media members. “We all know Josh’s history, and how hard he has had to work to get here, so I think I speak for everyone who knows him when I say he has earned this award. So, without further ado, I present to you Josh Hamilton, the first winner of the new Best Season by a Former Heroin Addict Award.”

Hamilton, who appeared somewhat taken aback but also thankful, spoke about his love for God before taking questions. Most centered around the particular details of his battle with the demons of addiction.

“I really don’t feel comfortable answering that,” Hamilton responded to ESPN’s Rachel Nichols wondering whether he had ever performed oral sex on a man in exchange for drugs. “I think the point of this award is to celebrate what I’ve been able to accomplish since overcoming my drug addiction, rather than to rehash what sex acts I may or may not have been involved in on my way to rock bottom.”

SSNN staff psychologist Brian Hedzaminer believes Hamilton’s unwillingness to discuss said sex acts is a telltale sign of past trauma.

“To put it in layman’s terms, if Mr. Hamilton had never slobbed a bob for a fix he would probably just say so,” Hedzaminer explained. “This award, as great an honor as it must be, will also probably awaken some emotions about his addictions that Josh thought he put to bed a while ago.”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, for his part, is excited about the new award and what it could mean moving forward — not just for baseball, but for heroin addicts everywhere.

“Looking back, maybe we could have helped guys like Doc Gooden and Darryl Strawberry if we had an award like this for crack addicts,” Selig told SSNN. “I mean, drug addicts need role models too. In fact, they probably need role models more than anyone, so what better way to inspire the drug addicts of America than to show them they still have a chance to play Major League Baseball, not to mention win an awesome new award?

“I certainly can’t think of anything.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!