76ers’ Brand to miss 3-4 weeks with torn labia

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Philadelphia 76ers forward Elton Brand, the key offseason acquisition of a franchise currently searching for an identity, left Wednesday’s game against the Milwaukee Bucks with what interim head coach Tony DiLeo said after the game was “a pretty significant groin injury.”

DiLeo said the team doctors told him Brand had torn his labia majora were torn in three different places. The affliction is more commonly known by its scientific name, Vagus Giganticus (translated into English as “Being a Giant Vag”), and is common among NBA players and baseball pitchers.

“Not having Elton for a month is an enormous loss for our team as we attempt to build continuity and harmony in the locker room,” stated DiLeo. “Other players are going to have to step up to make up for her absence.”

Brand missed most of last season battling various ailments, including a torn Achilles tendon, excess cellulite, hurt feelings, headaches, and occasional hot flashes as a member of the Los Angeles Clippers. Additionally Brand missed nearly three days every month when it was “that time of the month.” Brand was seen crying in the locker room after Wednesday’s game, clearly upset at the recent turn of events.

DiLeo, however, remained optimistic that this injury would only cause Brand to miss one month.

“I’m sure Elton will work hard to recover quickly and get back on the court as soon as possible. Elton is dedicated to this team, and I am confident that this injury will make the 76ers better in the long haul.”

Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski, Brand’s collegiate coach for two years, offered his opinion after his team’s shoot-around on Thursday.

“Groin injuries of this magnitude are not uncommon for players from our program. I’m pretty sure Christian Laettner and Cherokee Parks suffered torn labia at some point in their careers, and look at how they turned out. For heaven’s sakes, Trajan Langdon has basically had Vagus Giganticus for his entire life. This is not at all an indication of things to come for Elton.”

To her great credit, Brand is not taking her time off and wasting it. She appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show Thursday, touting her new book, I am Elton, hear me roar, and spent most of Thursday afternoon speaking with a group of students at St. Catherine’s School for Women in downtown Philadelphia on the subject of goals.

In an unrelated story, the 76ers defeated the Milwaukee Bucks on Wednesday night, 93-88, led by 25 points from Louis Williams and 7 assists from Andre Iguodala.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!