2008 Top 20, #19: Family dog furious after NFL Network left on all day Friday

DENVER, CO — Jon and Katie Dempsey’s dog Rex is furious with the couple this snowy Saturday morning after they accidentally left the NFL Network on all day Friday while the dog was at home.

The Dempseys generally leave the television on for Rex during the day, so that the dog does not experience severe separation anxiety. The normal channel choice is either the Weather Channel, which plays music most of the day, or one of the DirecTV radio stations (Katie has recently been fond of 80s, which Rex enjoys.) However, a series of unusual events resulted in the disaster that occurred on Friday.

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“Apparently, Jon had been watching the NFL game on Thursday night, after I fell asleep on the couch when I was on my Facebook,” Katie said. “I guess he just flipped the TV off immediately after the game. Then, on Friday morning, I was running really late, so I just flipped on the television without waiting to see what channel it was on.”

Jon confirmed that the event was an unusual series of circumstances, and that the Dempseys owe the dog an apology.

“I came home and I looked at the TV, and I was confused for a second,” Jon said. “And then I was like, ‘What?!!?’ Then I just started to say, ‘Oh God, oh no, I’m sorry Rex, I’m so sorry, I’m so horribly sorry.’ I went and got him out of the crate immediately, but the damage was already done.”

“The poor guy was stuck in a cage all day, right in front of the damn TV, with that crap on there,” Katie said. “I feel so awful. He couldn’t change the channel, he just got tortured all day long.”

As of Saturday morning, Rex had not yet forgiven the family, and was sulking in the corner and shooting dirty looks alternately at each member of the couple. Katie is pretty sure Rex tried to bite her.

Reached through his translator, Cesar Millan, Rex indicated that watching a full day of the NFL Network was one of the worst things to ever happen to him.

“My god, I was so bored, I honestly don’t know how Rich Eisen does it,” the dog said. “Deion Sanders is amusing for about ten seconds, but I swear to God, if I had to spend the night at his house, I would probably try and lick myself.”

Most people don’t realize how boring the NFL Network is, he said.

“Do you know what they show all day long on that channel?” Rex asked. “Do you know that they do a show every week just predicting what’s going to happen in the weekend’s games? Do you know they have documentaries where they rank how good the different Cowboys Super Bowl teams are? I mean, I love Alec Baldwin, but how hard up are you for money when you agree to narrate the Cowboys documentary for NFL network?”

The most amazing thing to Rex is that people actually want the NFL Network.

“I was telling the story to Fido, one of the other dogs at the dog park, and he was like, ‘Yeah, my owners really wish they could have that channel, they are calling about it every day,’” Rex relayed. “I go, ‘Wait, cereal? They actually want to have that pile of crap infiltrate their television?’ I couldn’t believe it. I feel sorry for Fido. My owners may have been morons this week but at least they’re not totally and completely brain-dead, like his appear to be.”

Rex also indicated that football is stupid, in his opinion.

“Every time they get tackled, they give the ball back to the owner with the striped shirt,” Rex said. “So lame. So freaking lame. You gotta wrap your jaws around that thing, shake your head, and keep that damn toy for yourself. Have some heart, bro!”

As for Jon and Katie, they are committed to refocusing on being great dog owners.

“We both feel so awful,” Katie said. “We actually considered for a moment giving up the dog; what kind of dog owners could we be if we’d do something so horrible? But in the end we just made a commitment that we’ll never ever do anything like this again to Rex, and we’ll beg him for his forgiveness, and we’ll see what happens. Frankly, I’ll understand if he’s never the same again. He watched the NFL Network for an entire day. I might as well have just spent the entire day clipping his nails and testing poisonous makeup on him.”