2007 Top 20, #7: Brady missing Pro Bowl with unexpected bout of soreloseritus

BOSTON, MA — In the wake of his team’s dramatic Super Bowl XLII’s loss, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would not be journeying to Hawaii for this year’s Pro Bowl festivities. Though Brady told reporters and the league that he is missing the game due to a “tender ankle,” sources within the Patriots organization are saying something completely different.

“He’s suffering from a really bad case of soreloseritus,” said one trusted SSNN source who spoke on condition of anonymity while wearing his #50 jersey. “It’s bad, too. He hasn’t eaten anything since the third quarter of the Super Bowl. The Giants sent us over some lamb chops, and Tom usually loves eating babies – baby animals, I mean… But either way, he’s not eating at all.”

Soreloseritus – better known by its common name, “being a little bitch” – is a disease that usually only affects children and the most immature of professional athletes.

“Soreloseritus is a very serious disease.” Dr. Lawrence Holland, physician for the Seattle Seahawks explained. “Initial symptoms include loss of appetite, intense vomiting, loss of bowel control leading to unstoppable anal leakage, and an irrepressible desire to run home to mommy, often while crying. If untreated, the disease can go on to cause depression, social anxiety disorder, inevitable career failures, and a wicked bad sore throat.”

Randy Moss, one of Brady’s closest friends on the team, was willing to openly discuss the sickness afflicting his quarterback.

“Tom’s definitely suffering. At night he just tosses and turns, and he smells like a pile of burning diapers. And during the day, he’s usually got his head buried in a pillow, whimpering. At least he stopped beating the sofa cushions like an angry nine-year-old girl. I think he should just be happy he’s not suffering from a case of lawsuitphoma, like me.”

While there is no known cure for soreloseritus, there are available treatments. “Ice cream helps,” according to Dr. Holland. “And it’s good to surround yourself with friends and family that love you. But the illness can still linger for years, decades or even longer. Once an athlete has suffered from soreloseritus, they are sometimes afflicted with sudden feelings of anger and disappointment, for no particular reason. Plus, a whole country of people laughs at you for the douchebag you truly are. Just ask Shaun Alexander – he got it bad after Super Bowl XL.”

Though unwilling to comment on his Soreloseritus or his decision not to play in the Pro Bowl, Tom Brady was seen at a Shaw’s Supermarket in Boston buying some Eddy’s Rocky Road ice cream and a large bag of Depend Maximum Absorbency Adult Incontinence Product.