Texas Tech fan totally fakes out God and jinxes Penn State

PITTSBURGH, PA — Local banker and Texas Tech alumnus/fan Dave Greene held a news conference Saturday night, on the heels of Penn State’s devastating, disgusting, and demoralizing defeat at the hands of the Iowa Hawkeyes, 23-21. Just after 7 pm Greene took the stand in front of multiple cameras and microphones. He had this to say: “I would like to issue an announcement to all Penn State players, fans, and alumni. Please do not blame the football team for this loss. It was my fault. I totally faked out God and jinxed the living crap out of you.”

As the horde of bewildered media looked on, Greene continued.

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“You see, I really want Texas Tech to go to the National Championship game,” Greene said. “But stupid Penn State was in the way. So here’s what I did: I went out and got a Penn State hat and a Ki-Jana Carter jersey, and I put them on, and I got on my computer and I started looking at tickets to Miami for January 8. I just looked for like an hour, and then I looked at some hotels, and then I bought a package. You know, for the National Championship game. And then I went on a Penn State message board, and typed, ‘Hell yeah! Just got my plane tickets for Miami in January!’”

However, Greene said the whole thing was a fakeout.

“I just wanted to jinx Penn State, so I had to convince God that the Penn State fans were counting their chickens before they hatch, you know? I got the idea from hearing about a dude who lives in Austin, Texas, who had gone out and purchased tickets to Miami, and then later felt like he jinxed the Longhorns,” Greene said. “So I figured, if I can jinx the Nittany Lions, then that will be awesome for Texas Tech. But I knew I had to be really convincing, so when I was buying the tickets, I was yelling stuff like, ‘Fuck yeah, Nittany Lions,’ and ‘Go Joe Paterno, you are the coach of my favorite team, the Penn State Nittany Lions!’ You know, a bunch of stuff just to really get God to buy the fake. And you know what? It worked.”

God was coy in his response.

“Yeah, consider me ‘Punk’d,’” God said. “I mean, he really pulled the wool over my eyes. I’m just chilling here in heaven with a whole lot of egg on m’face! Stupid old God! We got him! Ha, Ha, Ha! Dumb ole God!

“But, you know,” God said. “Maybe it would’ve been a bit smarter to embarrass ole’ God at some point, oh, I don’t know, after you play your huge game against Oklahoma State. Right?”